You're a Mom. You Don't Have a Social Life Anymore. Sit Your Ass Down!

     When I decided to become a mom, I knew that some things needed to change.  Two of those things were running the streets and partying all the time.  I didn't want to be the type of mother who could always be found in a club or a party, while my child was at home with a sitter or relative.  Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with going out every now and then, but when you are a mom and in the club 3 to 5 times a week and your "social life" is more important to you than being an "active" parent to your child, that's a problem.

     Some moms would like to debate the fact that their children are in bed, asleep when they leave the house.  My response is, "So, your point is?"  Just because you go out after your kids are asleep, doesn't mean that you should be partying all the time.  I believe that once you decide to have a child, some things need to come to an end.  Due to the fact that you are responsible for the well being of someone else, you need to be at home.
     I know that when you are a single mom, you can get very lonely and want to talk to and be around other adults.  Trust me, I get that but at the same time, if you wanted to run the streets all the time, leaving the responsibility of watching your child to someone else, or leaving your child responsible for taking care of themselves, then you should not have had children.  If something were to happen to your child while you were out partying, what would you do?  Would it be worth your child getting hurt while you ran the streets several nights a week?

     There are other single moms who feel like they "deserve to do them" and spend time with their "boo."  Again, I get that but there are some things that you sacrifice when you become a mother.  "Doing you" is one of them.  It's no longer all about you.  You chose to have a child, so you need to be more worried about "doing them" than "doing you!"
     As far as spending time with your boo, any man worth his salt that really wanted to be with you, will accept your child as well.  It's a package deal.  He can't get you without accepting them.  If you really have to explain this to a man, then you need to kick him to the curb...PRONTO!  If a man always wants to spend his time with you and never wants to incorporate your child into the ratio, then he is a man looking for one thing and it's not long term.

     The question then becomes, "how are you really parenting your child?"  Do you know what they are doing when you aren't around, especially those who are old enough or who you "think" are old enough to take care of themselves?  Are they spending all their time on the internet, instead of doing their homework?  Are you being an "active" parent, meaning that you are part of their every day to day life, especially when it comes to school and grades?  When was the last time that you went over their homework with them to ensure that it was done correctly or are you "taking their word for it" that they are doing what they are supposed to do?  If your child has a cell phone, have you reviewed the texts that they are sending and receiving? Do you know who their friends are and what type of families their friends come from?  These are just some of the things that "active" parents do.  Based on what I have seen, mothers who are too busy having a "social life" and not being "active" in the lives of their children, do not know or do not do any of the things that I just referred to.
      Ladies, if it is you that I am speaking of, you need to take a moment and check yourself.  Go ahead and reel yourself back in.  Get it together before it's too late.  You only get one chance at this job called motherhood.  There are no do over's.  The examples that you show your children today are the one's that they follow tomorrow.  The clubs and partying will still be there later.  You just may be too damn old to do that by then but would you rather say, "I raised a productive child" or "I partied well into my 50's?"  You make the decision.

Hell No! You Can't "Come See Me!"

    What is up with men wanting to "see you," meaning, "I want to come over?"  Whatever happened to, "Can I take you out?"  I mean really?  Why should I let you come over to my house?  Here's the deal, I can see if we were dating or if you were my man or something but if you: 1.  Have never taken me out several times and 2. Not my man, there is no reason for you to come "see me".
     Men kill me now a days, wanting to "see me"  No, your ass can not come over here and wear out my damn couch, relax under my central air, watch the cable that I pay for and eat my food and drink my drink.  HELL NO!! Then, most men don't even have the decency to ask, "Can I bring you something," if you do allow them to come over.  Where they do that at?
     They say, "You live and you learn" and one thing that I have learned is that I CAN NOT DO BULLSHIT! Call it what you want, but I will be damned if a man who claims to be interested in me thinks he can just sit up at my house and not contribute to anything.  It costs to sit up over here, Partner.  Trust me on that one!
     Since I am on the topic of shit that pisses me off about men, don't call me and the first thing out of your mouth is, "What's up?"  "The rent and these bills, Fool.  That's what's up.  How much you got on it?" Let's see how long the conversation lasts after that.
     I know those of you who don't know me are probably thinking that I am crazy or have lost my damn mind; while my friends know that this is me being me.  I am sure that I will receive plenty of calls from male friends who will read this post and want to talk shit.  Let me stop those of you BEFORE you make that phone call, take me out of character and have your feeling hurt...It's like this. Even if you are not my man, but trying to become my man, you need to step up to the plate.  I have someone to take care of, I will not take care of you.  Meaning, if you have not contributed to groceries or bought any; no I can not cook for you, give you a drink, a snack or anything else.  PERIOD!  I am doing this over here by myself.  I will not be sharing with you, if you have not "shared" with me.  You have to come to table, ready to play and I don't play with kids.
     So, if this post offended anyone...you already know what I am going to say about that...  As my mother would say, "I'm just stacking it straight!" 
    

Mercy, Mercy Me! (Help! The Preacher is Trying To Holla)

     I have a friend who is a preacher.  We used to date about 15 years ago when he was just a PK (Preacher's Kid). Today, he is divorced and has taken over his father's church.  We talk every now and then and his conversation is usually about getting married and having babies.  Ummm...PUMP YOUR BREAKS, PREACHER MAN! Now don't get me wrong, he is a very nice man, educated, handsome, has a good job, all that good stuff BUT he is a PREACHER!

     I know some of you, who follow my blog, have read about my "list" of the things I want in a mate.  Yes, he meets most of them BUT he is a preacher! There is nothing wrong with being a preacher, but how do you "date" a preacher?  It's bad enough that he makes comments about sex, etc and I always respond, "You will NOT lead me to hell," when in reality I am more worried about me being a temptress and leading him to hell.  (Don't judge me!  I'm being honest here!)
     By now, you all know that I am not a Saint and I try to do the right thing, however, the question still remains, "How does one DATE a preacher?"  Do you allow him to kiss you good night and if you do, does he kiss you on the lips or the forehead?  I know that he is still a man, although he is a preacher but there are some things that you just can't say or do with a man of God.  For instance, sex, you can't do that with a preacher!!  I know some of you are laughing, while others may be shaking your heads, but I am serious!  You don't buy a car without test driving it first, right?  I have to know exactly what I am getting myself into.  Let's just say that we dated for a long period of time, got engaged and married without ever having sex and then the sex was wack?  Is that grounds for divorce?  To me it is! I don't want to go through the rest of my life having wack sex! I know some of you will argue that sex isn't everything.  Those people are probably the same ones that have never had good sex or have decided to settle for wack sex in exchange for other things in a marriage. I'm sorry but I don't think, excuse me...I KNOW that I could not do that!  Plus, could you see me as the church's First Lady?  We would end up without any members because of my mouth!  Sounds awful but I am being completely honest!!
     I recently heard from a friend who basically said, "You are single by choice because it's definitely not from lack of choices."  This is true and I know that I am very picky but I think that my fear of dating a preacher is that I am not completely "right" with the Lord and I don't want my bad habits to rub off on him.  I don't want to tempt or corrupt a man of god, therefore, I have chosen to ignore the preacher's flirting and decided that we should just remain friends.  That way, my conscience is clear and I don't go to hell for being the snake that tempts the preacher to just take a bite of my apple.
    
     
    

I Can't do BULLSHIT!!!

     WARNING!  You have entered the "NO BULLSHIT ZONE!"  I have a REAL problem with bullshit and those people who try to make me believe their bullshit.  The problem is that I have very low tolerance for bullshit.  When confronted with bullshit, my mouth starts working before my brain can stop it and by the time it is all said and done, I have verbally assulted some poor soul and left them wondering, "What the hell just happened?"
     Do you think that I can qualify for one of those studies that they advertise on tv?  The commercial would probably say something like this, "Do people and their bullshit make you physically ill?  Does bullshit make you uneasy?  Does bullshit make you say things that would make a grown man cry?  If this is you, call us right away. You shouldn't have to deal with bullshit." Sounds appealing, right?
     The definition of bullshit is, "to indicate a falsehood —a false proposition. Hence something which is "bullshit" is said to be false or intentionally deceptive.  "Bullshit" does not necessarily have to be a complete fabrication; with only basic knowledge about a topic, bullshit is often used to make the audience believe that one knows far more about the topic by feigning total certainty or making probable predictions. It may also merely be "filler" or nonsense that, by virtue of its style or wording, gives the impression that it actually means something."
     Now that you have a clear understanding of what "bullshit" means, let me explain why it upsets me so much.  When people "bullshit" me, I immediately get pissed off.  What makes it even worse, is when they think that you are buying their bullshit!  Basically, I CAN'T STAND a liar!!  I always say, "You don't have to lie to kick it" meaning that you don't have to lie to be with or around me.  Be honest!  I mean really, if you were to tell me the truth and I didn't like what your truth was and decided to leave you alone, would you die?  Hell No!!  I may not like what you said but I would respect that fact that you were honest enough to tell me the truth, as opposed to trying to feed me some bullshit.
     One of the main sources of bullshit that I am forced to deal with, comes from the men that I meet.  As I have stated before on past blogs, I must have some invisible writing on my forehead that only losers and for the point of this discussion, bullshit ass men can see?  What they don't know is that I can smell bullshit a mile away.  When it hits me in my face, I usually respond with language that would make Richard Pryor blush and if it was against the law to cut someone up with my tongue, I would be in prison for life.  I have to admit, my mouth is no joke!!  So please, please, please...keep it REAL!  You are in the "No Bullshit Zone."
     

It's Okay, Girl! Be By Yourself!

     I have never understood women who do not know how to be alone.  You know the type of woman that I am speaking of.  They jump from relationship to relationship without very much time in between,  all because they "don't want to be alone" or "need a man in their lives."  All the time, never getting to know "themselves" and often times make the same mistakes with the same type of men over and over again.
     I especially don't understand this of women who are single mothers.  I often find myself wondering what type of mindset does this woman have that would bring several men around her children?  Does she not understand the type of example that that she is showing to her children, especially her daughters or is their mindset that they deserve to be happy and it doesn't really matter what her children or anyone else thinks?  I can understand a woman's desire to be happy but at whose expense?  Her children's or her own? 
     I personally don't think that it is acceptable to parade men in and out of your house as a woman, PERIOD, single or not.  It just isn't a good look.  As a mother, you are your children's first teacher, their example of what a woman should be.  What a LADY should be. By bringing random men in and out of their lives, you are not only confusing them, showing them a poor example but you could potentially be putting your child at risk for a predator.
     So then, the question arises, "How long should I wait before I bring someone that I am interested in around my children?"  Personally, I think this should take a couple of months.  You should be sure that this person is someone that you are really interested in before introducing them to your children.  Every man that you date, should not meet you children.  Every man that you date, shouldn't even be picking you up from your house (but that's a blog for another day).  I think that single mothers need to use a lot of discretion when dating.  After all, it's not just about you anymore.  You are now responsible for someone else's well being.
      Women who have a man living with them, who do not contribute to the household, who don't work, who don't help with the kids and who run the streets while she goes to work and pays all the bill...GIVE ME A BREAK!  Really?  That concept has always baffled me.  Is the sex that good that it has made you an idiot?  Again, what kind of example are you setting for your sons and daughters?  If that man is helping with the kids, but not contributing to the household...NOT ACCEPTABLE!  A man needs to work, PERIOD! How do you live with a man, with your children and this is the example that you are showing? Spare me!!  You can do bad all by yourself!  That's a fact!
     Now let me take a moment to discuss this issue as it relates to mothers of daughters.  Daughters grow up to be mothers one day and the examples that you show them now are instilled in them.  When you parade different men in front of your daughters, they believe that it is okay to date several men and have several men coming in and out of their home around their children.  You are also teaching them that they need to have a man around, that it is not a good thing to be by yourself.  They are learning that their worth is based on having a man in their lives. Is that the type of example you want to set for your daughters?
     As a mother of a son, I don't want my son to see men coming in and out of my house because I don't want him to believe that this is what women do.  Again, I am the example for my son of what a woman should be.  I also don't bring people that I date around my son unless I am serious about them, or think that it may be serious because I don't want my son to become attached to someone who may not be around long. 
     I strongly believe that you need to learn how to be by yourself before you can be with anyone else.  You need to know YOU!  You need to be able to hold down your household without the help of anyone else, so that you don't depend on a man to do it or feel like you have to stay with someone that you don't want to be with because you can not support yourself or your children alone.  Never put yourself in that situation.  Remember that the examples that you show you children now will last a lifetime and rather your children ever voice it or not, those examples are how they will live their lives as adults.
     Wake up!!  It's okay to be by yourself until you get to know you and find the person that God intended you to be with.  Don't just settle because you don't want to be alone.  Being alone and being an excellent example to your children is much better than showing your children a bad example and having them repeat that cycle as adults.  THINK ABOUT IT!
    

No Example...

     I have often wondered if the fact that I was raised by a Single Mother and did not see an example of a relationship or marriage in my home had any affects on my actions in relationships as an adult. I have no point of reference on how a relationship or marriage should work and my preconceived notions based on what I have seen on television, heard in music and learned from the streets have not worked out very well for me.
     Growing up in the 80's and 90's, rap music was a very big influence in my life and I tried to mimic a lot of what I saw in the music videos and heard in songs.  Everyone wanted to be a "fly girl" in the 80's and date the guy who had the Nissan trucks with the sounds back then.  I went to an All Girls High School for my freshman year and your boyfriend needed to have a car to pick you up from school in.  Thus the notion of a guy having to have money came into play. Who wanted to date someone who couldn't buy you things like Turkish Earrings and chains from the Slauson Swapmet?  I laugh at the thought of that now, but then, you couldn't tell me anything!
     When Gangsta Music hit the scene it was all about dating the gangstas and the dealers. Again, the perception was that you had to have a guy who had money and status.  Although. I was not allowed to "date" until I was 16, what my mother didn't know, wouldn't hurt her was my theory.  I talked to older guys, the gangsters and dealers because those were the guys that had it "going on."  I don't ever really remember having a discussion with my mother about the type of guys that I should or should not date.  I am sure that she would say that we did have that discussion, but being a teenager, it probably went into one ear and out the other. I have to say that I was never been "mistreated" by the guys that I dated.  I have never been in a abusive relationship and learned very quickly to get what I could from them, because that was taught by the older girls in the neighborhood. Their examples stood out to me at the time and I took heed. I grew up fast and gained a lot of street knowledge from people that I shouldn't have even been associating with at that age.
     Let's fast forward to my 20's when I "really" began to have relationships and the guys that I choose were not always the best for me.  I may have dated them because of what they could do for me, what their status was, etc.  Again the music that I listened to influenced the way that I thought about men and relationships and that's where I took my examples from.  If you asked any of my friends, they would tell you that I don't take mess from any guy.  If you asked any of the guys that I dated during my 20's, they would probably say that I acted like the guy in the relationship.  Not meaning that I took care of them, but I pretty much ran everything. If things weren't what I thought they should be, I probably wouldn't leave based on what you were doing for me, but I most def would see if the grass was greener on the other side.
     Now that I am in my 30's, I still have a lot of preconceived notions about what the man in my life should be like and my older sisters are always tell me that I am "not going to find Jesus" AKA 'the perfect man." My laundry list is pretty long and I have tried to 'compromise" on some things but I still find it hard to know how to "be" in a relationship, now that I am at an age where I really want to be in one. 
    Growing up the way that I did and dating the guys that I dated could really be a book in and of itself of what not to do.  Sometimes you don't realize how something affects you until you are faced with certain situations and it is then that you may realize that you have absolutely no idea what to do because you don't have an example to draw from. Thus, you make all sorts of mistakes in an effort to do what you "think" is the right thing to do or by mimicking what you have learned from television and music.  At times, you may make it through those situations unscathed and other times, you may carry the baggage from those mistakes with you for a very long time.
     Being raised by a single mother, my example was to be a strong woman that took care of her children on her own by whatever means necessary.  My mother taught me to always handle business, so that I didn't have to depend on anyone else.  To make sure that you kept a roof over your head, utilities on and food on the table.  There were never men coming in and out of our house.  My mother didn't run the streets and party and she was home every night. I can imagine that there were times that my mother may have been lonely and may have wanted to talk to someone other than us kids, but she never voiced it.
     As a single mother now myself, I have followed the example of my mother in a lot of ways.  I am very independent and have never had to depend on a man for anything. My son is very well taken care of and I am pretty much a homebody. I don't bring men in and out of my house for several reasons:
1.  I respect myself and my son
2.  I don't want to set that kind of example for my son
3. I don't want my son to become attached to someone that I may not like for long.
     Like my mother, I don't hold my tongue and in relationships, that tongue has often been the straw that broke the camel's back.  I have often said things in moments of anger to hurt the other person and once those words were spoken, the relationship was basically at the point of no return.
     I am not afraid to be by myself. Sometimes, that can be a good thing and a bad thing because in a relationship, I don't want to be smothered.  I need my space and because I think like that my friends believe that I will never get married.  Something to think about, huh?
     Today, as a 38 year old woman, who has never been married, I have to wonder if the fact that I didn't have an example of what a relationship or a marriage should look like has affected my decisions in relationships and men.  I have to believe in some ways that it has.  It has affected me in that I have learned to be so independent that I find it hard to be able to depend on anyone else.  I think that it has also affected me because I have this belief that if things go wrong in a relationship, you can always walk out. I find it very hard to be able to discuss things when I am upset and often times say things that I really don't mean in the heat of the moment.  The concept of "talking things out" is a bit foreign to me but I am working on that.  I wonder if I had examples of what to do in a relationship when things got tough besides throwing up my hands and walking away or if I had learned to not use my tongue as a weapon in the heat of an argument, would my life be different today?  But are those things that are learned from actually "seeing" the dynamics of a relationship or are those personality traits that I just never developed?  I wonder....