Update to "Father's Day Dilemma"

     Today was the big "Father's Day Celebration" at TJ' s school and everything went off without a hitch. His Assistant Principal stepped in and they did a "Lowe's Build & Grow " craft together (see picture below). TJ said things went great and that he had a good time.  The following is an email that his teacher sent me this afternoon.
     "This mornings Father's Day event went great. TJ was very excited to have the Assistant Principal be his helper...there were 5 other students that did not have fathers attend also.  TJ wrote a very thoughtful thank you card instead of a Father's Day card...I was very proud of him"
      The point of me sharing my Father's Day Dilemma is that as Single Moms, we have to ensure that are children never feel less than or excluded.  I am not sure the reasons of the other 5 children in his class that didn't have a male figure with them today.  It may have been a situation similar to mine or perhaps the father's couldn't take off of work.  My main focus was to make sure that TJ felt comfortable and included and if that meant speaking up and asking his teacher for help or an alternative, than so be it.  At the end of the day, it's not about me but about my son.  Even though his dad decided not to be a father, it is my job to make sure that my son never feels abandoned or left out and that' s exactly what I intend to do.

The REAL Reason(s) Why I Am Single

     Let's get right down to the nitty gritty and address the question that I am always asked by men.  "Why are you single?"  "As beautiful as you are, I can't believe that you don't have a man."  "You would make a good wife, how come you aren't married?"  To this I usually respond, "Because I haven't found the right one yet," but honestly, that's the short answer.  I have to give the short answer because frankly, the long answer would take too much time for such a simple question and I don't want to scare off the men who are asking this question with the REAL answer.
    Generally after asking your name, the next question is, "Are you single?"  At that time, I respond yes, and I have always generally responded, yes (see my previous post for an explanation of this.) and then as always, the next question is, "Why?"  Since you are reading this blog, I assume that you have a little time on your hands, so relax while I break it down for you. 
     The reasons why I'm single is because of several things.  The first reason is because I haven't found the "right one" and let my sisters tell it, I won't find anyone like Jesus.  They think that I am looking for the "perfect" man and in some ways this may be true.  I mean, Jesus is the bomb. Think about it. He is honest, giving, trustworthy, loves people, loves God, empathetic, courageous, a good listener, a provider and the list goes on and on.  Who wouldn't want a man like that?  Seriously, I am not looking for a "perfect man" but he does have some criteria to meet but I will save my list to the end.
     The second reason that I am single is because I like my independence.  I am comfortable with being by myself.  Truth be told, I like it.  I have never been the type of woman that likes to sit up under a guy.  I want him to go hang out with his friends.  Do your own thing.  Let me miss you.  Yes, there are times that I like to be "cupcaked up," but there are many more times that I want to be in one room and you in another.  No, I don't have to watch the game with you.  No, I don't want to be around you 24/7.  I need my space.  Now, maybe I feel this way because I am not in love with anyone or I haven't met anyone that I WANT to be around like that but I am almost positive that when I do, I will still need my own space.
     The third reason that I am single is because I have a low tolerance for bullshit.  I don't have time for games and drama.  I have been there and done that.  I don't believe in the whole, "3 strikes," give a fool a chance to keep fucking up.   Look, you only get one time!  My philosophy is that at 38 years old, I don't have time to waste.  If I let you fuck up 3 times, that is time that I wasted.  Why would I do that?  Life is too short and my tolerance is even shorter.  Patience is one thing that I don't have and I don't have time to wait for a man that doesn't have his shit together. Point blank. Period!! Enough said on reason 3.
     The fourth reason that I am single is plainly put, Guys from LA are, for the most part, full of shit.  LA is a big place. Now, ladies, I am sure that men from places other than LA are full of shit, as well, however, my point of reference is LA.  There are many men (not all) that think they can have a women in LA, another in Cerritos and another in Northridge and they will never find out about each other.  WRONG!  LA may be big and all, but men are stupid.  They don't know how to cheat, thus they get caught....OFTEN!!!  Take it from a "reformed" Playa. I know!! They can't remember their lies, they don't remember to turn the ringer off at night, etc. etc.  Now, I am not the type of woman that goes looking for stuff.  I don't check phones and don't answer them either.  It's not that serious.  Whatever is done in the dark will come out in the light, so if you are doing something wrong, I WILL find out eventually. 
     The fifth reason that I am single is...I AM TOO DAMN PICKY!! I am not sure if that is necessarily a bad thing or not.  I know what I like and there are some things that I won't compromise on.  This is where my "list" comes into play. All the things that I said Jesus was earlier are on my list, plus the following:  Must be at least 6'1 but preferably 6'5 or 6'6, employed, a gentleman, be able to hold a decent conversation, be versed in current events, have a good relationship with his mother, have a sense of humor, love kids, be good with money, know how to conduct himself in any social setting, be supportive, have his own opinion, have his own place without any roommates, like to travel, confident, ambitious, loyal, affectionate, and fashionable.
     I don't think that is too much to ask for.  I think that my list is very realistic, however, trying to find a man with everything on my list has proven to be extremely hard.  Therefore, I have stopped trying to find him myself and let God send him to me.  Hopefully, God and I see eye to eye on my list and he will be everything that I asked for and more.  Until then, I will continue to work on me and the issues that I have, so that when God sends him, I will be able to receive him.  Until then, I guess I will continue to be The Sexy Single Mommy in all of my glory!!! 
    

The Confession of a (Reformed) Female Player

     I WAS A PLAYER.  There!  I said it!  I have never said it before and have adamantly denied it for years.  I mean, who confesses to that?  Not me.  At least not out loud, anyway!    Before you get crazy and start having all kinds of thoughts, let me explain MY definition of a player. 
      This is my analogy...I have always made sure that like a basketball coach, I always had a team on the bench.  When my franchise player fouled out, I had someone who was ready to be put in the game.  Now, I know some of you who follow me are thinking, didn't she write a blog about being by yourself?  Yes, I did but these are totally different subjects.  Right now, I am talking about my "Pre-TJ Years," so rest assured, I am not contradicting myself but back to my definition.
     So, when you recruit for a team, you recruit people who are good at different things.  You know, some are good at hitting 3 point shots, some are good at defense, etc. I had some who were good about paying my bills, some who were good at buying things, some who I could talk to about any and everything, some who were a 'trophy, etc.  Now, if one started tripping or did something that I deemed as worthy of being "fouled out" than there was always someone else there to take their place.  When you have "fouled out" there is no get back, so their best bet was to act like a Free agent and get a contract with another team.  I replaced them with someone from the bench.  
      Now, for the record, not everyone who is on the team, gets to play in the game.  Some of the players ride the bench for a long time before they ever get to play and some never got to play at all.  They were traded before the season was even up or violated team rules, so they broke contract.
     I know all of this sounds crazy but I vowed to keep it 100 on here and if I'm lying, I'm flying and I ain't took off yet!
     I have often been told that I have a "man's mentality," thus, trying to run game and get over on me just wasn't happening.  The saying is true, "game recognize game" and I can smell bullshit a mile away.  
     I have always had the gift of gab, some would say a "mouthpiece" and it has worked to my advantage on many occasions but something happened to that mouthpiece and my boldness once I had my son.  Now, I'm not trying to be funny because I am oh, so serious about this but I lost my "game."  I mean, LOST IT!  I don't know if it was ejected when I was pushing my son out or what, but when I say it has left the building...I am not lying!!!
     Now a days, I am very much a homebody.  I have slowed down a lot.  Back then I used to party and run the streets.  That's what you do in your 20's, according to me.  I always believed that you should get all of that out of your system BEFORE you have kids.  Mothers should not be in the clubs every night when they have children at home. Point Blank.  Period!!
     To say that my son has brought me to a screeching halt would be an understatement. My day to day is all about him.  I don't really have very much time for anything and anyone else, thus part of why I am single.  It's really a trip when I look at myself, then and now.  Then it was about how I could come up.  Now, it's about making sure that my son has the best possible life.  I have never claimed to be a Saint.  Hell, none of us are and we all have a past. They say you live and you learn and Lord knows that I have learned a lot and change can be good! 
 
 

The "Do Not Act A Fool In This Store" Conversation

     I have always resisted the urge to slap the hell out of and some sense into those mothers who are sweetly trying to coax their child with candy and the likes when their Brat of a Child is on the floor in the middle of a store throwing a tantrum.  "SERIOUSLY LADY?" is what my brain is screaming. "Get some balls and act like the parent," I mumble under my breath as I walk by.
     As I attempt to enjoy some much needed retail therapy, my shopping is interrupted by a child hollering and screaming at the top of their lungs.  I act like I am browsing through a rack of dresses, curious as to how this current episode of "Help My Child is Acting a Damn Fool in Public," in the middle of  Nordstrom is going to end.  Who will win?  I silently put my money on the kid, while locking eyes with another mother also "pretending" to shop and agreeing with one another, "That kid needs their ass whopped," all without saying a word.  If you didn't know already, moms have a secret language that we can speak to one another without even opening our mouths.
     "Susie, please get off the floor.  Come on honey.  Look, here is a piece of candy." The Brat's Mom is pleading and Little Susie ain't having it.  Little Susie just starts screaming louder, kicking her legs and swinging her arms in the air.  "Oh no," I say to myself, as I watched her mother try to pick her up, without grabbing her arms first and got sucker punched in the face by Little Susie.  "DAMN," I hear someone say over my shoulder and look behind me to see a group of teenage girls watching the Baby Mike Tyson vs. Inexperienced Mom knockout that just happened.  'My mom would have beat my ass," one of the girls says to her friend.  "High Five to your mom," I say to myself.  Little Susie's mom was an amateur at this and that child was going to take her for one hell of a ride, if she didn't get things straight REAL QUICK!
     This is where I enter into the scene, not literally but in my mind.  I step in front of the child vs mom fiasco with my microphone and alert shoppers that if they do not take heed; they to, may be the next mother in a store, looking pitiful and embarrassed because they never had the "Do not act a fool in this store" conversation.  You see, this is a conversation that most mothers, especially new mothers or mothers who themselves were, "Bratty Kids," don't know about because their own mothers never had this conversation with them. 
    The conversation goes like this, before you either leave home or exit the car when going to a store or any public place, you look your kid, dead in their eyes with a no nonsense look on your face and you say, "When we walk in here, you are to stay right next to me (if they can walk), you don't touch anything or ask for anything.  You will not run around or act a fool in this store because if you do, I will act a fool with you and trust me when I say, YOU DON'T WANT ME TO ACT A FOOL!  Do you understand me?"  You have to make sure that you check for full understanding.  Even a toddler will know when you are serious.
     Now most children will test you and many of them will try to throw a tantrum at least once in their lives.  Hopefully, when they try it, you will be at home where you can get their little butts straight real quick.  If it happens in public, you must quickly nip it in the bud.  You need to snatch their little butts up and take them to the nearest bathroom real quick to set things straight.
     Every child will not go this route.  The child who doesn't will be the child that fears their parent.  Your child needs to fear you, in that they believe that you are crazy.  When a kid thinks you are crazy, they won't dare to act a fool.  Most African American children fear their parents because many of them DO have crazy mothers.  I know, I did!  By no means, did you want to act up somewhere and have your momma act a fool with you!
     Now back to Nordstrom...in my mind, I have explained having the "Do not act a fool in this store," conversation to a large audience of mothers with kids in strollers, by the hand, etc and had a couple of grandmothers yell out, "PREACH" during my speech.  I thank them all for listening and walk back over to the dresses that I was "pretending" to browse earlier.
     Little Susie, is still yelling and her mother has a complete look of helplines on her face, when an older African American woman walks over to Susie and her mother and says, "Do you mind?" while gesturing towards Little Susie.  The mother says, "If you can get her to behave..." and her words drag off in frustration.  Now I move a little closer and I notice that the woman that I had made eye contact with earlier is easing her way closer, as well.  I guess that we are both nosy as hell and really curious to see how this ends.
     The African American woman kneels down really close to Little Susie, looks her right in the eyes and says through clenched teeth, "Get your butt up right now and act like you have some sense in this store!"  Little Susie looked over at her mother, who gave her a "I don't know what is going on" look and she looked back at the crazy lady and seemed a bit puzzled.  She opened her mouth to start yelling again when the woman said louder this time; but still through clenched teeth, "Get you butt up, RIGHT NOW!"  Little Susie jumped up like her butt was engulfed in flames and ran behind her mother, grabbing her hand.  "Thank you! Thank you so much," Little Susie's mother grabbed the woman's hand and began shaking it like she had just met her favorite celebrity.  "You are welcome but next time, if there is a next time, you need to act just like I did and I bet you won't have that problem again."  Little Susie's mother kept thanking the woman, as she walked away and a cheer rang out from the juniors dept.  As I turned around, every customer in the proximity of Little Susie was paying attention, even the employees.  Little Susie's mother, holding Susie's hand walked out the store with her head down but all the wiser on how to handle a tantrum!
    

My Son...the Reader

     I have always been a reader.  I can not remember a time that I didn't love books and magazines.  When I was little, my grandmother always subscribed to magazines like Vogue, Elle, Harper's Bazaar, Ebony and Jet.  I spent countless hours flipping through those magazines as a child.  My grandmother got a kick out of me sitting in her living room reading the Los Angeles Times newspaper when I was about 9 years old.  When I was totally engrossed in a book and it was time for bed, I would stay up and read by the light in the hallway, ruining my eyesight but worth it all to see what happened to Laura Ingalls on that prairie. 
     When I was pregnant with my son, I prayed that he would enjoy reading as much as I did.  I started reading to him when he was in my belly.  When he was born, I read to him all the time.  I made sure that his bookshelves were filled with books and whenever I found books that I thought he would like, even if they were for older children, I would buy them.
     My mother is an educator and she always talked about the importance of reading, especially to African American males. The following is an excerpt from the article Are schools failing black boys? by Celeste Fremon & Stephaine Renfrow Hamilton:

"A 1990 study of more than 105,000 students in Maryland’s Prince George’s County, where African Americans made up about 65 percent of the enrollment, showed that black male pupils performed comparably to boys and girls of all races on first- and second-grade standardized math and reading test. But by fourth grade, African American boys experienced a sharp decline in their scores. More recent national studies have shown similar findings: In 1994, fourth-grade reading scores of African American boys lagged behind those of all other groups at the same grade level, according to the National Center for Education Statistics." 

     Knowing this has made me want to ensure that my son began reading at an early age.  I tried doing the sight word flash cards at 4 and TJ wasn't interested in the least, but I made sure that I continued to read to him all the time.  By the time he went to kindergarten, he picked up his sight words quickly and he became a reader but he wasn't as enthusiastic about it as I had hoped he would be.  I soon discovered that it was WHAT he read that made him want to read.  Instead of me going to the bookstore alone to find books for him, we began to go together so that he could pick out books that he wanted to read.  This made all the difference in the world.

     Now that he is 9 years old, we often have fights in the bookstore about the books that he wants to read.  I have no problem with him reading "The Diary of a Wimpy Kid" or "Big Nate" series but we argue about the "Pokemon" and "The Legend of Zelda" Manga books that he loves to read.  At the end of the trip, I have usually gave into one Manga book, IF he get one chapter book.  At the end of the day, what really matters is that he is reading and I couldn't be happier about that!