Single Parents: Be Loud When Celebrating Your Child's Accomplishments

     When you are a single parent and your child has an accomplishment, you celebrate just a little louder than other parents.  You are excited about that accomplishment not only because your child, did it but because you, as a single parent, helped get your child to that point by yourself!

     Last year when my son received The State Assembly's Award for Outstanding Academic Achievement, I wanted to do back flips through the auditorium.  First of all, I had no idea that he was even receiving that award and second, it was the highest award that you could receive!  When they called his name, I wanted to act like I was Dominique Dawes at the Olympics and do a triple somersault to the stage, pump my fist in the air and scream, "YES!  That's MY baby!  HE DID THAT!!"  I could not have been more prouder.
     I can not explain how much validation came from my son receiving that award.  All the hours that I worked as a retail store manager, yet coming home and making sure that his homework was done correctly and that he read 30 + minutes a day, plus, the workbooks that we did on the weekends and during vacations to improve his skills, all paid off.  Although TJ had earned that award, I felt like "WE" had earned it.  My son, the product of a single mother, who worked 50+ hours a week, who had to depend on sitters and family members to care for him while I worked nights and weekends, won The State Assembly Award.  It all was worth it, at that very moment.
     As I walked up to the stage to take a picture of my son, the genius, I smiled with pride and with tears in my eyes because I knew that although I was all alone on this road called parenthood, I was doing a good job and we were going to be alright!!

Single Motherhood? I GOT THIS!

     "Mom!!  Mom!! Can I go out side? "  "Mom!!  Mom!!  Can we go to the park?"  "Mom!! Mom!!  Can you play the Wii with me?"  "Mom!! Mom!! Can I get a dog?"  "MOM!  MOM! MOM!"  Oh my God!  Can I change my name already?  It is times like these that I wish that TJ's dad was around just so that I can get a break.  Sometimes, as easy as I make it seem and although I "look" like I have it altogether, I don't.  I know some of you, especially my friends are probably going to be surprised by that statement, but damn, I am not as perfect as I seem!
     They say that being a mother is the hardest job in the world but I beg to differ.  Being a SINGLE MOTHER is the hardest job in the world.  Now there is a difference.  There are some single moms who have the support of their children's father and there are some that don't.  I would fall into the the last category. Now, before you start feeling all sad for me and shit...DON'T!! This post is not about that.  Hell, I don't feel sorry for me.  I never have.  There is nothing to feel sorry about.  I have been fortunate enough to be able to financially care for my son myself, even when it involved $700 + a month in childcare expenses alone.  Thank the Lord for Dependent Care Flexible Spending!  I have never had utilities cut off or no food in the fridge.  My son has never went without what he needed,  He has always had more shoes than most girls, a closet full of clothes and everything that a child could want.  (I did speak about overcompensating in another blog).  I have, as a single mother, provided everything that a two parent household would provide for a child on my own. 
     Most women who become single mothers don't set out to be a single mom.  No one goes into motherhood thinking that they will be doing this by themselves.  Wait, let me correct myself.  There are single women who decide to go to sperm banks, etc. and have children.  Those women, of course, know that they are going to be doing it by themselves.  I, on the other hand, always said as a teen, that I was going to go to a sperm bank to have a kid, because I didn't want to have to deal with a guy and that child would be a boy.  Man, they weren't lying when they said that you can speak things into existence and who knew that some 15 or so years later, that is exactly what happened....minus the sperm bank! 
     I think that I have always known that I would be a single mom.  I have always known and accepted it.  When I got pregnant with TJ, I knew that I was going to do this by myself.  I knew from day one how the situation would play out and I was fine with that.  There weren't any hard feelings or nights that I cried myself to sleep.  None of that!  It was what it was and being that I always knew that I would have a son and raise him by myself, that's exactly what I have done. 
     A friend of mine told me when I was pregnant, "You are so strong.  I wouldn't be able to do this by myself."  My response was, "What else can I be but strong?"  I have never been a 'crier" or a "woe is me" type of woman.  I don't really let things trip me up.  I take the punches and roll with them.  Single motherhood was a punch that I had anticipated most of my life, so I braced myself for the punch and made sure that it wasn't a TKO and at the end of the fight, I was still standing and proudly holding my Single Mother Heavyweight Belt high above my head!  And although I am not as perfect as I seem, I think...No, I KNOW, that I have been doing a pretty damn good job raising my son by myself and at the end of the day, that's all that really matters to me!
    

It's Okay, Girl! Be By Yourself!

     I have never understood women who do not know how to be alone.  You know the type of woman that I am speaking of.  They jump from relationship to relationship without very much time in between,  all because they "don't want to be alone" or "need a man in their lives."  All the time, never getting to know "themselves" and often times make the same mistakes with the same type of men over and over again.
     I especially don't understand this of women who are single mothers.  I often find myself wondering what type of mindset does this woman have that would bring several men around her children?  Does she not understand the type of example that that she is showing to her children, especially her daughters or is their mindset that they deserve to be happy and it doesn't really matter what her children or anyone else thinks?  I can understand a woman's desire to be happy but at whose expense?  Her children's or her own? 
     I personally don't think that it is acceptable to parade men in and out of your house as a woman, PERIOD, single or not.  It just isn't a good look.  As a mother, you are your children's first teacher, their example of what a woman should be.  What a LADY should be. By bringing random men in and out of their lives, you are not only confusing them, showing them a poor example but you could potentially be putting your child at risk for a predator.
     So then, the question arises, "How long should I wait before I bring someone that I am interested in around my children?"  Personally, I think this should take a couple of months.  You should be sure that this person is someone that you are really interested in before introducing them to your children.  Every man that you date, should not meet you children.  Every man that you date, shouldn't even be picking you up from your house (but that's a blog for another day).  I think that single mothers need to use a lot of discretion when dating.  After all, it's not just about you anymore.  You are now responsible for someone else's well being.
      Women who have a man living with them, who do not contribute to the household, who don't work, who don't help with the kids and who run the streets while she goes to work and pays all the bill...GIVE ME A BREAK!  Really?  That concept has always baffled me.  Is the sex that good that it has made you an idiot?  Again, what kind of example are you setting for your sons and daughters?  If that man is helping with the kids, but not contributing to the household...NOT ACCEPTABLE!  A man needs to work, PERIOD! How do you live with a man, with your children and this is the example that you are showing? Spare me!!  You can do bad all by yourself!  That's a fact!
     Now let me take a moment to discuss this issue as it relates to mothers of daughters.  Daughters grow up to be mothers one day and the examples that you show them now are instilled in them.  When you parade different men in front of your daughters, they believe that it is okay to date several men and have several men coming in and out of their home around their children.  You are also teaching them that they need to have a man around, that it is not a good thing to be by yourself.  They are learning that their worth is based on having a man in their lives. Is that the type of example you want to set for your daughters?
     As a mother of a son, I don't want my son to see men coming in and out of my house because I don't want him to believe that this is what women do.  Again, I am the example for my son of what a woman should be.  I also don't bring people that I date around my son unless I am serious about them, or think that it may be serious because I don't want my son to become attached to someone who may not be around long. 
     I strongly believe that you need to learn how to be by yourself before you can be with anyone else.  You need to know YOU!  You need to be able to hold down your household without the help of anyone else, so that you don't depend on a man to do it or feel like you have to stay with someone that you don't want to be with because you can not support yourself or your children alone.  Never put yourself in that situation.  Remember that the examples that you show you children now will last a lifetime and rather your children ever voice it or not, those examples are how they will live their lives as adults.
     Wake up!!  It's okay to be by yourself until you get to know you and find the person that God intended you to be with.  Don't just settle because you don't want to be alone.  Being alone and being an excellent example to your children is much better than showing your children a bad example and having them repeat that cycle as adults.  THINK ABOUT IT!
    

"Thank You God For This Day I Had With My Mom"

    Every night when my son, TJ says his prayers, he always thanks God "for this day that I had with my mom."  Sweet, huh?  I think so too, but almost a year ago, he wasn't thanking God "for the day that he had with his mom" because his mom was always at work.  As I think back, he was probably silently thanking God for being able to "see" his mom.
     You see, I am a Retail Store Manager and quite obviously, don't have a typical Monday thru Friday, 9 to 5 job and being a single mom, who just happens to be sexy (toots my own horn. forgive me), I have had to depend on sitters a great deal to take care of my son while I was working.  My mom would always complain that "someone else was raising my son" and my reply to her would always be, "What else am I supposed to do? Not work?  Last time I checked, I don't have anyone helping me, so I gotta do, what I gotta do."
     And that's just what I did.  I worked nights, weekends and holidays.  I worked 10-12 hour days and if one of my managers called out and I couldn't cover it, I had to work from open to close (a 16 hour day).  I made my schedule a month in advance, so if I didn't know about a birthday party a month in advance and I wasn't off that weekend, then my son was unable to go.  After school activities, were a no go.  My schedule didn't permit them.  I cooked dinner, maybe twice a week (on a good week) and baking...who had time for that?
     I had always been blessed to have terrific sitters for my son (with the exception of one, but I'll save that for a different blog) and my son has always been well taken care of.  When I moved to a new area, I was in a panic to find a new sitter.  He was going into the first grade and I needed someone who had a family daycare that was open 24/7 or somewhere close to that. They needed to have a child, preferably a boy around the same age as my son.  They needed to be able to drop off and pick up from school, be available nights and some weekends and because I wanted to put him in football that fall, be able to take him to his practices.  I found the BEST sitter, who was able to meet all of my requirements and more.  During the holiday season, when store hours were extended, TJ would spend the night and she took him to school the next morning, instead of me picking him up after midnight, disturbing his sleep, trying to get him back to sleep when we got home and waking him up at 6 the next morning for school.  Sounds extreme, I know but what else could I do?
     Because I worked so much, I found myself trying to compensate for not being home by buying TJ stuff.  It would be a new video game or toy every week.  He had enough clothes to clothe a small army and more shoes than most women.  His 7th birthday party was a pool party, that ended up with about 35 kids (that was not in the plan). Lets not count all the adults (about another 25), a dj, a cake that I designed (didn't make of course) and a life guard. Thank the Lord, that he never got a "spoiled brat" persona.  You know, the kid who has a fit when they don't get what they want. Thinking back, I guess he never had to throw a fit because he always got what he wanted and so much more that he never asked for.  I was overcompensating to the fullest.
     About a year ago, I hurt my back at work.  I continued to work on modified duty for awhile, then I went completely off of work. Being able to take TJ to school everyday AND pick him up was something new for the both of us.  That would only happen on my days off.  Now there is time for pancakes in the morning, discussions about what happened in school on the drive home and home cooked dinners made by mommy.  I am home to do homework with TJ, instead of check what was done with the sitter. He now has a social calender and able to do after school activities.
     In this year, I have come to realize that even though I worked an awful lot, TJ didn't suffer.  He has always been a great student, he is respectful and is friendly.  At eight years old, he is very empathetic and loves God.  I used to worry that he was missing out on being a kid because of the schedule that I worked but I now know how resilient TJ is and although I know that I won't be able to be off of work forever, every night when TJ thanks God "for the day that he had with his mom," I smile and silently thank God too.
    

Father's Day Dilemma

     TJ's school did a wonderful celebration for all the Mom's for Mother's Day.  It was a "Mother's Only" event and each Mom was treated to a breakfast of donuts, muffins and OJ served by their child in their classrooms.  Each child recited a poem that they wrote to their mother in front of the class.  TJ's poem was so sweet.  It feels good to be recognized by your child for all the things you do for them.  It especially feels good when that recognition is done in public.  Leaving TJ's school that morning, I began to worry about the up coming Father's Day Celebration and how TJ would be included in it since it was "father's only"and his father is absent in his life.  I thought about the one little boy in TJ's class whose mother did not make it for the celebration and how sad he looked.  Since his mother was not there, he recited his poem to all of us. By no means, did I want my child to feel like this for the Father's Day Celebration and I stressed about what I was going to do.  I decided that I would talk to TJ after school and get his thoughts on the situation.
     2 o'clock couldn't come fast enough and TJ wasn't even in his seat belt before I asked him, "TJ, what do you think about the upcoming Father's Day  Celebration?  How are you going to participate?"  Since I was driving, I couldn't look at his face when he responded but to my surprise he said, "I already talked to Mrs. B about that."  "Oh REALLY?"  I was surprised!! "Yeah!  She said that the assistant principal could come in and sit with me."  "Are you okay with that?" I asked him and he responded that he was.
     I sent TJ's teacher the following email to discuss TJ's and I's conversation and my thoughts: 

Good morning,

I hope that you had a wonderful Mother's Day and thank you so much for the Mother's Day Celebration.  It was beautiful!  I wanted to discuss with you the Father's Day Celebration that is planned.  I spoke to TJ on Friday to get his thoughts about participating in it.  I was surprised when he told me that he had already explained to you that his father is not involved in his life and that his uncle's and grandfather are out of state.  He said that you suggested that the assistant principal step in.  He said that he was okay with that.  I guess I was just more concerned about how he would feel not having his father there and what his participation level would be. I was just wondering if you knew what the children were going to do yet, since a poem or something similar probably wouldn't be the ideal thing for him to do given the situation.  I welcome any suggestions that you may have on how we can possibly include him in this celebration.

Thank you and have a wonderful day.

This is her response:

Hi~

 You beat me to the punch by just a day or two. I did speak to TJ and have been working out details since then. It is my intention to be sure that someone is here for him. I have requested that no moms attend, otherwise I would have you come instead. Each year there are a few dads that are unable to attend, unlike the Mother's Day event where there was only one. I want TJ to feel included and comfortable. We will be having donuts and doing a "Lowe's Build & Grow" craft together. It is a little less sentimental than the moms event. :)

I will let you know what comes of this. I am still checking schedules and working out assistance. It is looking like Mr. Barnes will be the one sitting in.

  

Have a great rest of the day!!

     I was amazed at how a situation that I was so worried about, had already been taken care of by my 8 year old.  I was worried that he would feel left out and I had even debated not sending him to school that day and the two of us just hanging out.  He was able to foresee what may have been an obstacle and went about finding a solution to the problem.  I even asked him if he spoke to the teacher privately about his not having a dad and he said that when they were discussing it in class, he raised his hand and told Mrs. B in front of the whole class.  Needless to say, he is not self conscious or ashamed of the fact that his father is not in his life and I couldn't be prouder of him!  I am glad that my son and I have a relationship that we can talk about everything.  He has asked about his father and I explained to him that his father didn't want to be a dad but that doesn't make him any different from anyone else.  He is just as special.  Just recently he told me that he feels sad that his dad is not around but in the same breath he said, "But I have you, Mom," and yes he does!