You're a Mom. You Don't Have a Social Life Anymore. Sit Your Ass Down!

     When I decided to become a mom, I knew that some things needed to change.  Two of those things were running the streets and partying all the time.  I didn't want to be the type of mother who could always be found in a club or a party, while my child was at home with a sitter or relative.  Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with going out every now and then, but when you are a mom and in the club 3 to 5 times a week and your "social life" is more important to you than being an "active" parent to your child, that's a problem.

     Some moms would like to debate the fact that their children are in bed, asleep when they leave the house.  My response is, "So, your point is?"  Just because you go out after your kids are asleep, doesn't mean that you should be partying all the time.  I believe that once you decide to have a child, some things need to come to an end.  Due to the fact that you are responsible for the well being of someone else, you need to be at home.
     I know that when you are a single mom, you can get very lonely and want to talk to and be around other adults.  Trust me, I get that but at the same time, if you wanted to run the streets all the time, leaving the responsibility of watching your child to someone else, or leaving your child responsible for taking care of themselves, then you should not have had children.  If something were to happen to your child while you were out partying, what would you do?  Would it be worth your child getting hurt while you ran the streets several nights a week?

     There are other single moms who feel like they "deserve to do them" and spend time with their "boo."  Again, I get that but there are some things that you sacrifice when you become a mother.  "Doing you" is one of them.  It's no longer all about you.  You chose to have a child, so you need to be more worried about "doing them" than "doing you!"
     As far as spending time with your boo, any man worth his salt that really wanted to be with you, will accept your child as well.  It's a package deal.  He can't get you without accepting them.  If you really have to explain this to a man, then you need to kick him to the curb...PRONTO!  If a man always wants to spend his time with you and never wants to incorporate your child into the ratio, then he is a man looking for one thing and it's not long term.

     The question then becomes, "how are you really parenting your child?"  Do you know what they are doing when you aren't around, especially those who are old enough or who you "think" are old enough to take care of themselves?  Are they spending all their time on the internet, instead of doing their homework?  Are you being an "active" parent, meaning that you are part of their every day to day life, especially when it comes to school and grades?  When was the last time that you went over their homework with them to ensure that it was done correctly or are you "taking their word for it" that they are doing what they are supposed to do?  If your child has a cell phone, have you reviewed the texts that they are sending and receiving? Do you know who their friends are and what type of families their friends come from?  These are just some of the things that "active" parents do.  Based on what I have seen, mothers who are too busy having a "social life" and not being "active" in the lives of their children, do not know or do not do any of the things that I just referred to.
      Ladies, if it is you that I am speaking of, you need to take a moment and check yourself.  Go ahead and reel yourself back in.  Get it together before it's too late.  You only get one chance at this job called motherhood.  There are no do over's.  The examples that you show your children today are the one's that they follow tomorrow.  The clubs and partying will still be there later.  You just may be too damn old to do that by then but would you rather say, "I raised a productive child" or "I partied well into my 50's?"  You make the decision.

All Single Mothers Do Not Need Help!

     I came across a new site called, Stumbleupon, where you "stumble upon" different sites based on your interest.  As I was "stumbling upon" different sites under the topic, "single moms," I came across several sites that said that if you are a single mom you should apply for foods stamps, housing assistance, pregnancy support, etc.  I have to be hones, after reading some of these blogs and articles, I became very offended!  Now I am sure that there are many single mom's out there that need some assistance but why is it that they think that "single moms" are just destitute and uneducated?  Given the state of the economy, there are families with 2 parents who may need assistance, not just single parents.  EVERY single parent is not struggling. There are many single mothers who are educated, have careers and own homes.  We are not women who are looking for a hand out and sitting around waiting for the government to take care of us and our children.  People need to realize that just because a woman may be parenting alone does not mean that she is any less than a woman that is married. For the record...many of us our doing a damn good job by ourselves!!

Single Parents: Be Loud When Celebrating Your Child's Accomplishments

     When you are a single parent and your child has an accomplishment, you celebrate just a little louder than other parents.  You are excited about that accomplishment not only because your child, did it but because you, as a single parent, helped get your child to that point by yourself!

     Last year when my son received The State Assembly's Award for Outstanding Academic Achievement, I wanted to do back flips through the auditorium.  First of all, I had no idea that he was even receiving that award and second, it was the highest award that you could receive!  When they called his name, I wanted to act like I was Dominique Dawes at the Olympics and do a triple somersault to the stage, pump my fist in the air and scream, "YES!  That's MY baby!  HE DID THAT!!"  I could not have been more prouder.
     I can not explain how much validation came from my son receiving that award.  All the hours that I worked as a retail store manager, yet coming home and making sure that his homework was done correctly and that he read 30 + minutes a day, plus, the workbooks that we did on the weekends and during vacations to improve his skills, all paid off.  Although TJ had earned that award, I felt like "WE" had earned it.  My son, the product of a single mother, who worked 50+ hours a week, who had to depend on sitters and family members to care for him while I worked nights and weekends, won The State Assembly Award.  It all was worth it, at that very moment.
     As I walked up to the stage to take a picture of my son, the genius, I smiled with pride and with tears in my eyes because I knew that although I was all alone on this road called parenthood, I was doing a good job and we were going to be alright!!

Hell No! You Can't "Come See Me!"

    What is up with men wanting to "see you," meaning, "I want to come over?"  Whatever happened to, "Can I take you out?"  I mean really?  Why should I let you come over to my house?  Here's the deal, I can see if we were dating or if you were my man or something but if you: 1.  Have never taken me out several times and 2. Not my man, there is no reason for you to come "see me".
     Men kill me now a days, wanting to "see me"  No, your ass can not come over here and wear out my damn couch, relax under my central air, watch the cable that I pay for and eat my food and drink my drink.  HELL NO!! Then, most men don't even have the decency to ask, "Can I bring you something," if you do allow them to come over.  Where they do that at?
     They say, "You live and you learn" and one thing that I have learned is that I CAN NOT DO BULLSHIT! Call it what you want, but I will be damned if a man who claims to be interested in me thinks he can just sit up at my house and not contribute to anything.  It costs to sit up over here, Partner.  Trust me on that one!
     Since I am on the topic of shit that pisses me off about men, don't call me and the first thing out of your mouth is, "What's up?"  "The rent and these bills, Fool.  That's what's up.  How much you got on it?" Let's see how long the conversation lasts after that.
     I know those of you who don't know me are probably thinking that I am crazy or have lost my damn mind; while my friends know that this is me being me.  I am sure that I will receive plenty of calls from male friends who will read this post and want to talk shit.  Let me stop those of you BEFORE you make that phone call, take me out of character and have your feeling hurt...It's like this. Even if you are not my man, but trying to become my man, you need to step up to the plate.  I have someone to take care of, I will not take care of you.  Meaning, if you have not contributed to groceries or bought any; no I can not cook for you, give you a drink, a snack or anything else.  PERIOD!  I am doing this over here by myself.  I will not be sharing with you, if you have not "shared" with me.  You have to come to table, ready to play and I don't play with kids.
     So, if this post offended anyone...you already know what I am going to say about that...  As my mother would say, "I'm just stacking it straight!" 
    

Dr. Wack Job, the Delivery, the Drama & My Gift

    This past Monday, we celebrated TJ's 9th birthday.  It is amazing how fast times flies.  It seemed like yesterday, I was seeing my obstetrician and a high risk doctor and beyond ready to deliver my baby.  You see, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and can I just tell you that is the worse thing to have when you are pregnant.  Of course, there are worse things that can happen when you are pregnant but my point is that when you are pregnant, you want to eat whatever you want.  When you have gestational diabetes, you have to watch everything that you eat and on top of that I had to take insulin, as well.
    
 The Whack Job Doctor
    
     When I was about 2 weeks to my delivery date, my dumb ass high risk doctor gets the bright idea to want to do an amniocentesis to make sure that my son's heart was developed.  HUH?  2 weeks before I am due?  Really?  So, they give me these forms to fill out and all I see is "may cause death."  "This doctor must be crazy!  Who in the hell does an amniocentesis so late in a pregnancy," was all that I kept thinking.  I walk over to the desk and tell the receptionist that there is no way in HELL that I am signing these papers or having an amniocentesis at 36 weeks!!  "And oh, by the way," I said as I was walking out, "You can cancel my appointment for next week because it will be a cold day in hell before I let that whack job of a doctor touch me again!"
     I walked away thinking that even if my son's heart wasn't developed, here we are 2 weeks before he is supposed to come.  If I went into labor, there is not much that we can do to keep him in at 36 weeks, I turned it over to God and kept on moving.
     The next week I went to see my obstetrician and I informed him about what the high risk doctor wanted to do.  He thought that I was joking.  I quickly let him know that this was not a joke and that I was not going to see Dr. Whack Job again and further more, I was tired of being pregnant and I was ready to have this baby.  Now here's the problem. Memorial Day was coming and I was very adamant about not having my baby on or around Memorial Day. He wanted me to come in on Memorial Day.  There was no way that I was going to do that!  How would anyone be able to come to his parties because most people will be celebrating  with their families.  That would be an awful time to have a birthday, so, it was decided that if he did not come before, I would be induced a week after Memorial Day and that's how it all went down.

     THE DELIVERY 

     If you have been reading my blog, then you will know that I have been a Single Mom from day one.  When I went into the hospital to be induced, my brother went with me.  My doctor told me that the process would be a long one, so I figured, I didn't need a lot of people around me all day and my brother kept me company until my mom came later.
     Now, if you have never be induced, let me tell you that you are hungry as hell!  You can not eat after midnight the day before and all day while I was waiting for something to happen, I could only eat ice and jello. That was the worse!
     My brother and I are sitting around talking all day and every now and then our conversation would be interrupted by a woman screaming in labor.  "Damn!  Would these heifers shut the hell up!!"  Truth be told, it wasn't the noise of these women screaming in agony that was bothering me, it was the fear that those screams invoked in me that was bothering me.  I was silently praying every time that I heard those screams that I would not be that woman when it was my turn to give birth.
     So the day when on and nothing happened.  By 8 o'clock, my mother and brother had changed shifts and my mom was sitting in the corner with her Bible and my copy of "What to Expect When Your Expecting" reading through the chapter about labor.  My doctor finally comes in and checks me and tells me that I had barely dilated and he broke my water.  He said that they would start Pitocin to start my contractions and if I was not ready by the time he came back in the morning, they would have to do a C-Section.  "A C-Section?  You want me to have contractions ALL night and then do a C-Section?  You have got to be out of your damn mind!!"  My doctor said that he was leaving for the evening and the nurse went about the task of starting my IV with the Pitocin.
     About 30 minutes went by and my mom is reading what the next step is supposed to be in this labor process and all of a sudden I feel like someone took a Louisville Slugger Baseball Bat, wound it up and hit me in the stomach.  In an instant, I became that woman that I was complaining about all day but instead of a scream, I let out a, "OH SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!"  My mom immediately told me to watch my mouth and my response was, "FUCK THAT SHIT!  THIS SHIT HURTS!!"  I guess at that point, all gloves were off because all I can remember is a slew of curse words spewing out of my mouth.
     By now I guess it's about 10 o'clock or so and I'm trying my best to deal with the pain.  After what seemed like forever but was actually about 45 minutes or so, I asked the nurse could I get any drugs.  Her response was that I had to be dilated at least 2 inches and I couldn't be that far along yet.  I asked her could she at least check but she was so insistent that I couldn't be dilated 2 yet that I screamed,  "Can you just fucking look?"  My mom gives me one of those looks, but today is not the day to be nice and polite.  Not when my stomach felt like someone was trying to rip out my guts.  I guess the nurse got the picture and checked me.  "Oh my goodness, you are at 2," she said from down there.  I wanted to take my foot and put it on her forehead and push her away!  "I know dumb ass," is what I was thinking but was relieved to know that she was gonna get me some drugs.
     Now by this time, I am absolutely starving and I am so over these contractions.  The nurse added whatever drug for pain to my IV but no sooner had she done that, I shouted, "I HAVE TO PUSH!!" Now my mom is quickly turning the pages in the book and shouts, "You aren't supposed to be at that stage yet.  You skipped something!"  I am looking at her like, "If you don't put that damn book down!"  The know-it-all-nurse is saying, "You can't have to push, you were just at 2!"  I am screaming that I need to push NOW!!  The nurse checks me and she looks up with this surprised look on her face and says that I am ready but I need to wait for the doctor.  I yell, "FUCK THAT DOCTOR!  SOMEBODY IN HERE KNOWS HOW TO DELIVER A BABYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!"
My mom is packing up her stuff like she is going somewhere and the nurse asks her where she is going.  "To the delivery room,"  my mom responds and the nurse says to her, "We ARE in the delivery room." 
     Within seconds, it was like the changing of a scene in a play.  Nurses rushed in, the bed did some type of conversion, spotlights pointed down there were put in place and my doctor, who we thought was gone for the evening came rushing in.  I don't remember hearing him say, "Push!" All I know is that I pushed two times and my son was born!
     Now some mothers want their slimy new baby to be put on their chest and all that nasty shit...NOT ME!  They held him up so that I could see him and then they went about the business of cleaning him up before they put him in my arms.  Thank you Jesus!  I am glad that I didn't have that awkward conversation of them washing him off first.
     Now TJ was finally here.  Everyone is happy and I am so sure that my nurse was probably the happiest that I had the baby. I wonder if she knew that she would be verbally assaulted when she became a pediatric nurse?  I made sure that I apologized to her for my potty mouth and she responded that she had heard worse!  Whew, I can only imagine what that must have been like because I thought that I was pretty bad. 
     By now it is after midnight and I had not had any real food for 24 hours.  Once I got settled into my room, my nurse came in with the best cheeseburger and fries that I had ever had in my life.  I am not sure where she got it from at that time of night, but she was my best friend at that point.
      
     My Gift

     That night, I don't think that I got much sleep thanks to Mr. TJ!  I thought that they kept the babies in the nursery.  When I asked about that, the nurse told me that the babies are kept in the rooms with their mothers.  DAMN!  So much for getting a little rest!  That night I remember staring at my son and wondering what his life would be like?  What OUR life would be like? What was his personality going to be like?  What kind of person would he be?  What his voice would sound like when he started talking, etc. etc?
     Fast forward nine years and I amazed every day by this little boy.  He is so talented and intelligent. He believes in God and has so many questions about him and the Bible that I think that one day he may become a preacher.  He makes friends EVERYWHERE we go where there are kids.  His opening line is, "Hi, my name is TJ.  Do you want to be friends?"  How can you not love a kid like that?
      He keeps me laughing and the way that his mind works astonishes me.  One day we were passing a cemetery and he asks, "When you are buried, do you have clothes on?"  I responded , "Yes, they put ladies in a nice dress or men in a nice suit."  He said, "Then how can you rest in peace if you aren't wearing pajamas?"  I was laughing so hard that I was crying.  "You know that is a very good question.  I don't know how you can rest in peace without comfy pajamas on."
      It is times like this that I know that I am blessed to be the mother of such an amazing kid and although I had gestational diabetes, a whack job doctor and I have had to take this journey of parenthood all alone, I wouldn't change a thing because at the end, I got the best prize of all...TJ!

The Imaginary Kids That Lived In My House Growing Up!

     I am constantly reminded by my mother about the shit that we (my siblings and I) didn't do as a kid when the family is altogether.  Take for instance, our last family torture trip....excuse me, vacation, Memorial Day weekend to visit my brother in Vegas.  Now, let me start with this disclaimer, I LOVE MY MOTHER but DAMN, she can take me there like no other!
     So the kids are playing around with my brother, who they haven't seen since Christmas and TJ says something, (I don't even remember what he said. I am sure that I wasn't paying attention.) to his uncle and the next thing I heard was, "You guys NEVER would say something like that to your uncle!"  I look up and my brother and sister have looks on their faces, like, "What the hell is she talking about?"  I just shake my head and ignore it because it is usually better for me not to say anything or all hell will break out.  Next thing I know, she is going all in about what we didn't do as kids:  we didn't talk back to adults, we didn't leave our toys all over the place, we didn't question what we ate, we didn't, we didn't, we didn't..."  Now, I am not sure whose house these perfect kids lived in that never did any of those things but it sure as hell wasn't mine!
     Our parents lived in a time that "children were seen and not heard."  My child lives in a time where "he is seen and most definitely HEARD."  TJ makes so much noise that when I am on the phone, people think that there are 10 kids in my house.  That is just the way that he has always been.  Maybe it's an only child thing and they like to make it "sound" like they have a lot of siblings.  I am not sure but the child does make A LOT of noise.
     Now, I said all that to say this, I don't know about my siblings, but I don't want to hear about these imaginary kids that lived in my house growing up, that no one saw but my mother.  I don't want to hear that they ate everything on their plates, no matter what it was because they didn't buy the food and they ate what she bought...ALL THE TIME!  Which reminds me of a time when my little brother didn't want to eat his peas and my mother told him that there were kids starving in Africa.  My brother responded, "Then lets send them to Africa!"  I guess the imaginary "good" kids were on vacation or something that day.
     I don't want to hear about all the things that we didn't do because my mother had put the fear of God in us and would "knock us into the middle of next week" if we didn't do what she said.  Now let me state for the record, that I have been knocked into the middle of next week on several occasions and it was like Alice in Wonderland, trying to find my way back to the week that I had got knocked out of.  I wish those imaginary kids had been around to take my place on those days!!
     Simply put, I don't want to hear it!  My thing is this, my child is MY CHILD!  Let me raise him the way I want to raise him.  He is not disrespectful or an unruly child.  Does he have a sense of humor? Yes! Will he say things sometimes trying to be silly?  Yes, all kids do!  Does that warrant a whole speech about the imaginary kids?  NO!!!  I don't want to EVER hear about those damn perfect imaginary kids again!!!!
    

Single Motherhood? I GOT THIS!

     "Mom!!  Mom!! Can I go out side? "  "Mom!!  Mom!!  Can we go to the park?"  "Mom!! Mom!!  Can you play the Wii with me?"  "Mom!! Mom!! Can I get a dog?"  "MOM!  MOM! MOM!"  Oh my God!  Can I change my name already?  It is times like these that I wish that TJ's dad was around just so that I can get a break.  Sometimes, as easy as I make it seem and although I "look" like I have it altogether, I don't.  I know some of you, especially my friends are probably going to be surprised by that statement, but damn, I am not as perfect as I seem!
     They say that being a mother is the hardest job in the world but I beg to differ.  Being a SINGLE MOTHER is the hardest job in the world.  Now there is a difference.  There are some single moms who have the support of their children's father and there are some that don't.  I would fall into the the last category. Now, before you start feeling all sad for me and shit...DON'T!! This post is not about that.  Hell, I don't feel sorry for me.  I never have.  There is nothing to feel sorry about.  I have been fortunate enough to be able to financially care for my son myself, even when it involved $700 + a month in childcare expenses alone.  Thank the Lord for Dependent Care Flexible Spending!  I have never had utilities cut off or no food in the fridge.  My son has never went without what he needed,  He has always had more shoes than most girls, a closet full of clothes and everything that a child could want.  (I did speak about overcompensating in another blog).  I have, as a single mother, provided everything that a two parent household would provide for a child on my own. 
     Most women who become single mothers don't set out to be a single mom.  No one goes into motherhood thinking that they will be doing this by themselves.  Wait, let me correct myself.  There are single women who decide to go to sperm banks, etc. and have children.  Those women, of course, know that they are going to be doing it by themselves.  I, on the other hand, always said as a teen, that I was going to go to a sperm bank to have a kid, because I didn't want to have to deal with a guy and that child would be a boy.  Man, they weren't lying when they said that you can speak things into existence and who knew that some 15 or so years later, that is exactly what happened....minus the sperm bank! 
     I think that I have always known that I would be a single mom.  I have always known and accepted it.  When I got pregnant with TJ, I knew that I was going to do this by myself.  I knew from day one how the situation would play out and I was fine with that.  There weren't any hard feelings or nights that I cried myself to sleep.  None of that!  It was what it was and being that I always knew that I would have a son and raise him by myself, that's exactly what I have done. 
     A friend of mine told me when I was pregnant, "You are so strong.  I wouldn't be able to do this by myself."  My response was, "What else can I be but strong?"  I have never been a 'crier" or a "woe is me" type of woman.  I don't really let things trip me up.  I take the punches and roll with them.  Single motherhood was a punch that I had anticipated most of my life, so I braced myself for the punch and made sure that it wasn't a TKO and at the end of the fight, I was still standing and proudly holding my Single Mother Heavyweight Belt high above my head!  And although I am not as perfect as I seem, I think...No, I KNOW, that I have been doing a pretty damn good job raising my son by myself and at the end of the day, that's all that really matters to me!
    

It's Okay, Girl! Be By Yourself!

     I have never understood women who do not know how to be alone.  You know the type of woman that I am speaking of.  They jump from relationship to relationship without very much time in between,  all because they "don't want to be alone" or "need a man in their lives."  All the time, never getting to know "themselves" and often times make the same mistakes with the same type of men over and over again.
     I especially don't understand this of women who are single mothers.  I often find myself wondering what type of mindset does this woman have that would bring several men around her children?  Does she not understand the type of example that that she is showing to her children, especially her daughters or is their mindset that they deserve to be happy and it doesn't really matter what her children or anyone else thinks?  I can understand a woman's desire to be happy but at whose expense?  Her children's or her own? 
     I personally don't think that it is acceptable to parade men in and out of your house as a woman, PERIOD, single or not.  It just isn't a good look.  As a mother, you are your children's first teacher, their example of what a woman should be.  What a LADY should be. By bringing random men in and out of their lives, you are not only confusing them, showing them a poor example but you could potentially be putting your child at risk for a predator.
     So then, the question arises, "How long should I wait before I bring someone that I am interested in around my children?"  Personally, I think this should take a couple of months.  You should be sure that this person is someone that you are really interested in before introducing them to your children.  Every man that you date, should not meet you children.  Every man that you date, shouldn't even be picking you up from your house (but that's a blog for another day).  I think that single mothers need to use a lot of discretion when dating.  After all, it's not just about you anymore.  You are now responsible for someone else's well being.
      Women who have a man living with them, who do not contribute to the household, who don't work, who don't help with the kids and who run the streets while she goes to work and pays all the bill...GIVE ME A BREAK!  Really?  That concept has always baffled me.  Is the sex that good that it has made you an idiot?  Again, what kind of example are you setting for your sons and daughters?  If that man is helping with the kids, but not contributing to the household...NOT ACCEPTABLE!  A man needs to work, PERIOD! How do you live with a man, with your children and this is the example that you are showing? Spare me!!  You can do bad all by yourself!  That's a fact!
     Now let me take a moment to discuss this issue as it relates to mothers of daughters.  Daughters grow up to be mothers one day and the examples that you show them now are instilled in them.  When you parade different men in front of your daughters, they believe that it is okay to date several men and have several men coming in and out of their home around their children.  You are also teaching them that they need to have a man around, that it is not a good thing to be by yourself.  They are learning that their worth is based on having a man in their lives. Is that the type of example you want to set for your daughters?
     As a mother of a son, I don't want my son to see men coming in and out of my house because I don't want him to believe that this is what women do.  Again, I am the example for my son of what a woman should be.  I also don't bring people that I date around my son unless I am serious about them, or think that it may be serious because I don't want my son to become attached to someone who may not be around long. 
     I strongly believe that you need to learn how to be by yourself before you can be with anyone else.  You need to know YOU!  You need to be able to hold down your household without the help of anyone else, so that you don't depend on a man to do it or feel like you have to stay with someone that you don't want to be with because you can not support yourself or your children alone.  Never put yourself in that situation.  Remember that the examples that you show you children now will last a lifetime and rather your children ever voice it or not, those examples are how they will live their lives as adults.
     Wake up!!  It's okay to be by yourself until you get to know you and find the person that God intended you to be with.  Don't just settle because you don't want to be alone.  Being alone and being an excellent example to your children is much better than showing your children a bad example and having them repeat that cycle as adults.  THINK ABOUT IT!
    

No Example...

     I have often wondered if the fact that I was raised by a Single Mother and did not see an example of a relationship or marriage in my home had any affects on my actions in relationships as an adult. I have no point of reference on how a relationship or marriage should work and my preconceived notions based on what I have seen on television, heard in music and learned from the streets have not worked out very well for me.
     Growing up in the 80's and 90's, rap music was a very big influence in my life and I tried to mimic a lot of what I saw in the music videos and heard in songs.  Everyone wanted to be a "fly girl" in the 80's and date the guy who had the Nissan trucks with the sounds back then.  I went to an All Girls High School for my freshman year and your boyfriend needed to have a car to pick you up from school in.  Thus the notion of a guy having to have money came into play. Who wanted to date someone who couldn't buy you things like Turkish Earrings and chains from the Slauson Swapmet?  I laugh at the thought of that now, but then, you couldn't tell me anything!
     When Gangsta Music hit the scene it was all about dating the gangstas and the dealers. Again, the perception was that you had to have a guy who had money and status.  Although. I was not allowed to "date" until I was 16, what my mother didn't know, wouldn't hurt her was my theory.  I talked to older guys, the gangsters and dealers because those were the guys that had it "going on."  I don't ever really remember having a discussion with my mother about the type of guys that I should or should not date.  I am sure that she would say that we did have that discussion, but being a teenager, it probably went into one ear and out the other. I have to say that I was never been "mistreated" by the guys that I dated.  I have never been in a abusive relationship and learned very quickly to get what I could from them, because that was taught by the older girls in the neighborhood. Their examples stood out to me at the time and I took heed. I grew up fast and gained a lot of street knowledge from people that I shouldn't have even been associating with at that age.
     Let's fast forward to my 20's when I "really" began to have relationships and the guys that I choose were not always the best for me.  I may have dated them because of what they could do for me, what their status was, etc.  Again the music that I listened to influenced the way that I thought about men and relationships and that's where I took my examples from.  If you asked any of my friends, they would tell you that I don't take mess from any guy.  If you asked any of the guys that I dated during my 20's, they would probably say that I acted like the guy in the relationship.  Not meaning that I took care of them, but I pretty much ran everything. If things weren't what I thought they should be, I probably wouldn't leave based on what you were doing for me, but I most def would see if the grass was greener on the other side.
     Now that I am in my 30's, I still have a lot of preconceived notions about what the man in my life should be like and my older sisters are always tell me that I am "not going to find Jesus" AKA 'the perfect man." My laundry list is pretty long and I have tried to 'compromise" on some things but I still find it hard to know how to "be" in a relationship, now that I am at an age where I really want to be in one. 
    Growing up the way that I did and dating the guys that I dated could really be a book in and of itself of what not to do.  Sometimes you don't realize how something affects you until you are faced with certain situations and it is then that you may realize that you have absolutely no idea what to do because you don't have an example to draw from. Thus, you make all sorts of mistakes in an effort to do what you "think" is the right thing to do or by mimicking what you have learned from television and music.  At times, you may make it through those situations unscathed and other times, you may carry the baggage from those mistakes with you for a very long time.
     Being raised by a single mother, my example was to be a strong woman that took care of her children on her own by whatever means necessary.  My mother taught me to always handle business, so that I didn't have to depend on anyone else.  To make sure that you kept a roof over your head, utilities on and food on the table.  There were never men coming in and out of our house.  My mother didn't run the streets and party and she was home every night. I can imagine that there were times that my mother may have been lonely and may have wanted to talk to someone other than us kids, but she never voiced it.
     As a single mother now myself, I have followed the example of my mother in a lot of ways.  I am very independent and have never had to depend on a man for anything. My son is very well taken care of and I am pretty much a homebody. I don't bring men in and out of my house for several reasons:
1.  I respect myself and my son
2.  I don't want to set that kind of example for my son
3. I don't want my son to become attached to someone that I may not like for long.
     Like my mother, I don't hold my tongue and in relationships, that tongue has often been the straw that broke the camel's back.  I have often said things in moments of anger to hurt the other person and once those words were spoken, the relationship was basically at the point of no return.
     I am not afraid to be by myself. Sometimes, that can be a good thing and a bad thing because in a relationship, I don't want to be smothered.  I need my space and because I think like that my friends believe that I will never get married.  Something to think about, huh?
     Today, as a 38 year old woman, who has never been married, I have to wonder if the fact that I didn't have an example of what a relationship or a marriage should look like has affected my decisions in relationships and men.  I have to believe in some ways that it has.  It has affected me in that I have learned to be so independent that I find it hard to be able to depend on anyone else.  I think that it has also affected me because I have this belief that if things go wrong in a relationship, you can always walk out. I find it very hard to be able to discuss things when I am upset and often times say things that I really don't mean in the heat of the moment.  The concept of "talking things out" is a bit foreign to me but I am working on that.  I wonder if I had examples of what to do in a relationship when things got tough besides throwing up my hands and walking away or if I had learned to not use my tongue as a weapon in the heat of an argument, would my life be different today?  But are those things that are learned from actually "seeing" the dynamics of a relationship or are those personality traits that I just never developed?  I wonder....

"Thank You God For This Day I Had With My Mom"

    Every night when my son, TJ says his prayers, he always thanks God "for this day that I had with my mom."  Sweet, huh?  I think so too, but almost a year ago, he wasn't thanking God "for the day that he had with his mom" because his mom was always at work.  As I think back, he was probably silently thanking God for being able to "see" his mom.
     You see, I am a Retail Store Manager and quite obviously, don't have a typical Monday thru Friday, 9 to 5 job and being a single mom, who just happens to be sexy (toots my own horn. forgive me), I have had to depend on sitters a great deal to take care of my son while I was working.  My mom would always complain that "someone else was raising my son" and my reply to her would always be, "What else am I supposed to do? Not work?  Last time I checked, I don't have anyone helping me, so I gotta do, what I gotta do."
     And that's just what I did.  I worked nights, weekends and holidays.  I worked 10-12 hour days and if one of my managers called out and I couldn't cover it, I had to work from open to close (a 16 hour day).  I made my schedule a month in advance, so if I didn't know about a birthday party a month in advance and I wasn't off that weekend, then my son was unable to go.  After school activities, were a no go.  My schedule didn't permit them.  I cooked dinner, maybe twice a week (on a good week) and baking...who had time for that?
     I had always been blessed to have terrific sitters for my son (with the exception of one, but I'll save that for a different blog) and my son has always been well taken care of.  When I moved to a new area, I was in a panic to find a new sitter.  He was going into the first grade and I needed someone who had a family daycare that was open 24/7 or somewhere close to that. They needed to have a child, preferably a boy around the same age as my son.  They needed to be able to drop off and pick up from school, be available nights and some weekends and because I wanted to put him in football that fall, be able to take him to his practices.  I found the BEST sitter, who was able to meet all of my requirements and more.  During the holiday season, when store hours were extended, TJ would spend the night and she took him to school the next morning, instead of me picking him up after midnight, disturbing his sleep, trying to get him back to sleep when we got home and waking him up at 6 the next morning for school.  Sounds extreme, I know but what else could I do?
     Because I worked so much, I found myself trying to compensate for not being home by buying TJ stuff.  It would be a new video game or toy every week.  He had enough clothes to clothe a small army and more shoes than most women.  His 7th birthday party was a pool party, that ended up with about 35 kids (that was not in the plan). Lets not count all the adults (about another 25), a dj, a cake that I designed (didn't make of course) and a life guard. Thank the Lord, that he never got a "spoiled brat" persona.  You know, the kid who has a fit when they don't get what they want. Thinking back, I guess he never had to throw a fit because he always got what he wanted and so much more that he never asked for.  I was overcompensating to the fullest.
     About a year ago, I hurt my back at work.  I continued to work on modified duty for awhile, then I went completely off of work. Being able to take TJ to school everyday AND pick him up was something new for the both of us.  That would only happen on my days off.  Now there is time for pancakes in the morning, discussions about what happened in school on the drive home and home cooked dinners made by mommy.  I am home to do homework with TJ, instead of check what was done with the sitter. He now has a social calender and able to do after school activities.
     In this year, I have come to realize that even though I worked an awful lot, TJ didn't suffer.  He has always been a great student, he is respectful and is friendly.  At eight years old, he is very empathetic and loves God.  I used to worry that he was missing out on being a kid because of the schedule that I worked but I now know how resilient TJ is and although I know that I won't be able to be off of work forever, every night when TJ thanks God "for the day that he had with his mom," I smile and silently thank God too.
    

Father's Day Dilemma

     TJ's school did a wonderful celebration for all the Mom's for Mother's Day.  It was a "Mother's Only" event and each Mom was treated to a breakfast of donuts, muffins and OJ served by their child in their classrooms.  Each child recited a poem that they wrote to their mother in front of the class.  TJ's poem was so sweet.  It feels good to be recognized by your child for all the things you do for them.  It especially feels good when that recognition is done in public.  Leaving TJ's school that morning, I began to worry about the up coming Father's Day Celebration and how TJ would be included in it since it was "father's only"and his father is absent in his life.  I thought about the one little boy in TJ's class whose mother did not make it for the celebration and how sad he looked.  Since his mother was not there, he recited his poem to all of us. By no means, did I want my child to feel like this for the Father's Day Celebration and I stressed about what I was going to do.  I decided that I would talk to TJ after school and get his thoughts on the situation.
     2 o'clock couldn't come fast enough and TJ wasn't even in his seat belt before I asked him, "TJ, what do you think about the upcoming Father's Day  Celebration?  How are you going to participate?"  Since I was driving, I couldn't look at his face when he responded but to my surprise he said, "I already talked to Mrs. B about that."  "Oh REALLY?"  I was surprised!! "Yeah!  She said that the assistant principal could come in and sit with me."  "Are you okay with that?" I asked him and he responded that he was.
     I sent TJ's teacher the following email to discuss TJ's and I's conversation and my thoughts: 

Good morning,

I hope that you had a wonderful Mother's Day and thank you so much for the Mother's Day Celebration.  It was beautiful!  I wanted to discuss with you the Father's Day Celebration that is planned.  I spoke to TJ on Friday to get his thoughts about participating in it.  I was surprised when he told me that he had already explained to you that his father is not involved in his life and that his uncle's and grandfather are out of state.  He said that you suggested that the assistant principal step in.  He said that he was okay with that.  I guess I was just more concerned about how he would feel not having his father there and what his participation level would be. I was just wondering if you knew what the children were going to do yet, since a poem or something similar probably wouldn't be the ideal thing for him to do given the situation.  I welcome any suggestions that you may have on how we can possibly include him in this celebration.

Thank you and have a wonderful day.

This is her response:

Hi~

 You beat me to the punch by just a day or two. I did speak to TJ and have been working out details since then. It is my intention to be sure that someone is here for him. I have requested that no moms attend, otherwise I would have you come instead. Each year there are a few dads that are unable to attend, unlike the Mother's Day event where there was only one. I want TJ to feel included and comfortable. We will be having donuts and doing a "Lowe's Build & Grow" craft together. It is a little less sentimental than the moms event. :)

I will let you know what comes of this. I am still checking schedules and working out assistance. It is looking like Mr. Barnes will be the one sitting in.

  

Have a great rest of the day!!

     I was amazed at how a situation that I was so worried about, had already been taken care of by my 8 year old.  I was worried that he would feel left out and I had even debated not sending him to school that day and the two of us just hanging out.  He was able to foresee what may have been an obstacle and went about finding a solution to the problem.  I even asked him if he spoke to the teacher privately about his not having a dad and he said that when they were discussing it in class, he raised his hand and told Mrs. B in front of the whole class.  Needless to say, he is not self conscious or ashamed of the fact that his father is not in his life and I couldn't be prouder of him!  I am glad that my son and I have a relationship that we can talk about everything.  He has asked about his father and I explained to him that his father didn't want to be a dad but that doesn't make him any different from anyone else.  He is just as special.  Just recently he told me that he feels sad that his dad is not around but in the same breath he said, "But I have you, Mom," and yes he does!