You're a Mom. You Don't Have a Social Life Anymore. Sit Your Ass Down!

     When I decided to become a mom, I knew that some things needed to change.  Two of those things were running the streets and partying all the time.  I didn't want to be the type of mother who could always be found in a club or a party, while my child was at home with a sitter or relative.  Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with going out every now and then, but when you are a mom and in the club 3 to 5 times a week and your "social life" is more important to you than being an "active" parent to your child, that's a problem.

     Some moms would like to debate the fact that their children are in bed, asleep when they leave the house.  My response is, "So, your point is?"  Just because you go out after your kids are asleep, doesn't mean that you should be partying all the time.  I believe that once you decide to have a child, some things need to come to an end.  Due to the fact that you are responsible for the well being of someone else, you need to be at home.
     I know that when you are a single mom, you can get very lonely and want to talk to and be around other adults.  Trust me, I get that but at the same time, if you wanted to run the streets all the time, leaving the responsibility of watching your child to someone else, or leaving your child responsible for taking care of themselves, then you should not have had children.  If something were to happen to your child while you were out partying, what would you do?  Would it be worth your child getting hurt while you ran the streets several nights a week?

     There are other single moms who feel like they "deserve to do them" and spend time with their "boo."  Again, I get that but there are some things that you sacrifice when you become a mother.  "Doing you" is one of them.  It's no longer all about you.  You chose to have a child, so you need to be more worried about "doing them" than "doing you!"
     As far as spending time with your boo, any man worth his salt that really wanted to be with you, will accept your child as well.  It's a package deal.  He can't get you without accepting them.  If you really have to explain this to a man, then you need to kick him to the curb...PRONTO!  If a man always wants to spend his time with you and never wants to incorporate your child into the ratio, then he is a man looking for one thing and it's not long term.

     The question then becomes, "how are you really parenting your child?"  Do you know what they are doing when you aren't around, especially those who are old enough or who you "think" are old enough to take care of themselves?  Are they spending all their time on the internet, instead of doing their homework?  Are you being an "active" parent, meaning that you are part of their every day to day life, especially when it comes to school and grades?  When was the last time that you went over their homework with them to ensure that it was done correctly or are you "taking their word for it" that they are doing what they are supposed to do?  If your child has a cell phone, have you reviewed the texts that they are sending and receiving? Do you know who their friends are and what type of families their friends come from?  These are just some of the things that "active" parents do.  Based on what I have seen, mothers who are too busy having a "social life" and not being "active" in the lives of their children, do not know or do not do any of the things that I just referred to.
      Ladies, if it is you that I am speaking of, you need to take a moment and check yourself.  Go ahead and reel yourself back in.  Get it together before it's too late.  You only get one chance at this job called motherhood.  There are no do over's.  The examples that you show your children today are the one's that they follow tomorrow.  The clubs and partying will still be there later.  You just may be too damn old to do that by then but would you rather say, "I raised a productive child" or "I partied well into my 50's?"  You make the decision.

Single Parents: Be Loud When Celebrating Your Child's Accomplishments

     When you are a single parent and your child has an accomplishment, you celebrate just a little louder than other parents.  You are excited about that accomplishment not only because your child, did it but because you, as a single parent, helped get your child to that point by yourself!

     Last year when my son received The State Assembly's Award for Outstanding Academic Achievement, I wanted to do back flips through the auditorium.  First of all, I had no idea that he was even receiving that award and second, it was the highest award that you could receive!  When they called his name, I wanted to act like I was Dominique Dawes at the Olympics and do a triple somersault to the stage, pump my fist in the air and scream, "YES!  That's MY baby!  HE DID THAT!!"  I could not have been more prouder.
     I can not explain how much validation came from my son receiving that award.  All the hours that I worked as a retail store manager, yet coming home and making sure that his homework was done correctly and that he read 30 + minutes a day, plus, the workbooks that we did on the weekends and during vacations to improve his skills, all paid off.  Although TJ had earned that award, I felt like "WE" had earned it.  My son, the product of a single mother, who worked 50+ hours a week, who had to depend on sitters and family members to care for him while I worked nights and weekends, won The State Assembly Award.  It all was worth it, at that very moment.
     As I walked up to the stage to take a picture of my son, the genius, I smiled with pride and with tears in my eyes because I knew that although I was all alone on this road called parenthood, I was doing a good job and we were going to be alright!!

Hell No! You Can't "Come See Me!"

    What is up with men wanting to "see you," meaning, "I want to come over?"  Whatever happened to, "Can I take you out?"  I mean really?  Why should I let you come over to my house?  Here's the deal, I can see if we were dating or if you were my man or something but if you: 1.  Have never taken me out several times and 2. Not my man, there is no reason for you to come "see me".
     Men kill me now a days, wanting to "see me"  No, your ass can not come over here and wear out my damn couch, relax under my central air, watch the cable that I pay for and eat my food and drink my drink.  HELL NO!! Then, most men don't even have the decency to ask, "Can I bring you something," if you do allow them to come over.  Where they do that at?
     They say, "You live and you learn" and one thing that I have learned is that I CAN NOT DO BULLSHIT! Call it what you want, but I will be damned if a man who claims to be interested in me thinks he can just sit up at my house and not contribute to anything.  It costs to sit up over here, Partner.  Trust me on that one!
     Since I am on the topic of shit that pisses me off about men, don't call me and the first thing out of your mouth is, "What's up?"  "The rent and these bills, Fool.  That's what's up.  How much you got on it?" Let's see how long the conversation lasts after that.
     I know those of you who don't know me are probably thinking that I am crazy or have lost my damn mind; while my friends know that this is me being me.  I am sure that I will receive plenty of calls from male friends who will read this post and want to talk shit.  Let me stop those of you BEFORE you make that phone call, take me out of character and have your feeling hurt...It's like this. Even if you are not my man, but trying to become my man, you need to step up to the plate.  I have someone to take care of, I will not take care of you.  Meaning, if you have not contributed to groceries or bought any; no I can not cook for you, give you a drink, a snack or anything else.  PERIOD!  I am doing this over here by myself.  I will not be sharing with you, if you have not "shared" with me.  You have to come to table, ready to play and I don't play with kids.
     So, if this post offended anyone...you already know what I am going to say about that...  As my mother would say, "I'm just stacking it straight!" 
    

The Older Man, His Health Issues & Transitional Housing

     45 is not that old.  Hell, I'm 38 and in pretty good health, so I "thought" why not give this 45 year old man a chance.  He's tall, handsome and all that good stuff, so when he contacted me on the dating website, I thought, "Why not?"  Let the bullshit begin...
     Our initial conversation was cool, nothing to write home about.  Now, the second one, (rolls my eyes), now that one, reveled a couple of things.  First of all, most of the conversation was monopolized with him talking about his health issues.  How he used to have a slipped disc and ALL the treatments that he had to correct it, including the settlement that he received from it.  And oh, before I forget this, he needed that settlement to pay back child support!!!
     Then, he proceeded to tell me about his high blood pressure, his knee that has been bothering him, etc. etc.  FOR REAL!!!  Are you seriously gonna run down your medical history and have this whole conversation by yourself?  Yes, BY HIMSELF, because what can I really interject here besides, "Oh Really and UM MM HM MM."
     Continuing the conversation, I asked where he lived and do you know what that fool told me?  "TRANSITIONAL HOUSING."  WHAT THE FUCK??   "EXCUSE ME?  WHAT DID YOU SAY?"  He repeated what he said and my thoughts were immediately running to, "EX CON."  Isn't that where they send people when they get out of jail or something? 
     I could not get off the phone fast enough.  I had to quickly say, "You know what?  I don't think this is going to work."  Of course, he asked, "Why?"  "Let me run it down to you," I said.  "First of all, you have too much going on, health wise and all hell...just too much going on.  You are 45 and breaking down.  Your knees, your back, your high blood pressure. What the hell am I going to do with all THAT!  Our whole conversation was about YOU and tell me where you live again?"  "Transitional housing," he murmured. "My point exactly!  Deuces!" 
     I guess that invisible sign on my head, that can only be seen by idiots and losers can even be seen on a picture through the computer.  I have had countless facials, used different facial cleansers and exfoliates and I STILL have been unable to get that invisible sign off my head. Oh well, another one bites the dust and my journey continues....
    

The Imaginary Kids That Lived In My House Growing Up!

     I am constantly reminded by my mother about the shit that we (my siblings and I) didn't do as a kid when the family is altogether.  Take for instance, our last family torture trip....excuse me, vacation, Memorial Day weekend to visit my brother in Vegas.  Now, let me start with this disclaimer, I LOVE MY MOTHER but DAMN, she can take me there like no other!
     So the kids are playing around with my brother, who they haven't seen since Christmas and TJ says something, (I don't even remember what he said. I am sure that I wasn't paying attention.) to his uncle and the next thing I heard was, "You guys NEVER would say something like that to your uncle!"  I look up and my brother and sister have looks on their faces, like, "What the hell is she talking about?"  I just shake my head and ignore it because it is usually better for me not to say anything or all hell will break out.  Next thing I know, she is going all in about what we didn't do as kids:  we didn't talk back to adults, we didn't leave our toys all over the place, we didn't question what we ate, we didn't, we didn't, we didn't..."  Now, I am not sure whose house these perfect kids lived in that never did any of those things but it sure as hell wasn't mine!
     Our parents lived in a time that "children were seen and not heard."  My child lives in a time where "he is seen and most definitely HEARD."  TJ makes so much noise that when I am on the phone, people think that there are 10 kids in my house.  That is just the way that he has always been.  Maybe it's an only child thing and they like to make it "sound" like they have a lot of siblings.  I am not sure but the child does make A LOT of noise.
     Now, I said all that to say this, I don't know about my siblings, but I don't want to hear about these imaginary kids that lived in my house growing up, that no one saw but my mother.  I don't want to hear that they ate everything on their plates, no matter what it was because they didn't buy the food and they ate what she bought...ALL THE TIME!  Which reminds me of a time when my little brother didn't want to eat his peas and my mother told him that there were kids starving in Africa.  My brother responded, "Then lets send them to Africa!"  I guess the imaginary "good" kids were on vacation or something that day.
     I don't want to hear about all the things that we didn't do because my mother had put the fear of God in us and would "knock us into the middle of next week" if we didn't do what she said.  Now let me state for the record, that I have been knocked into the middle of next week on several occasions and it was like Alice in Wonderland, trying to find my way back to the week that I had got knocked out of.  I wish those imaginary kids had been around to take my place on those days!!
     Simply put, I don't want to hear it!  My thing is this, my child is MY CHILD!  Let me raise him the way I want to raise him.  He is not disrespectful or an unruly child.  Does he have a sense of humor? Yes! Will he say things sometimes trying to be silly?  Yes, all kids do!  Does that warrant a whole speech about the imaginary kids?  NO!!!  I don't want to EVER hear about those damn perfect imaginary kids again!!!!
    

No Example...

     I have often wondered if the fact that I was raised by a Single Mother and did not see an example of a relationship or marriage in my home had any affects on my actions in relationships as an adult. I have no point of reference on how a relationship or marriage should work and my preconceived notions based on what I have seen on television, heard in music and learned from the streets have not worked out very well for me.
     Growing up in the 80's and 90's, rap music was a very big influence in my life and I tried to mimic a lot of what I saw in the music videos and heard in songs.  Everyone wanted to be a "fly girl" in the 80's and date the guy who had the Nissan trucks with the sounds back then.  I went to an All Girls High School for my freshman year and your boyfriend needed to have a car to pick you up from school in.  Thus the notion of a guy having to have money came into play. Who wanted to date someone who couldn't buy you things like Turkish Earrings and chains from the Slauson Swapmet?  I laugh at the thought of that now, but then, you couldn't tell me anything!
     When Gangsta Music hit the scene it was all about dating the gangstas and the dealers. Again, the perception was that you had to have a guy who had money and status.  Although. I was not allowed to "date" until I was 16, what my mother didn't know, wouldn't hurt her was my theory.  I talked to older guys, the gangsters and dealers because those were the guys that had it "going on."  I don't ever really remember having a discussion with my mother about the type of guys that I should or should not date.  I am sure that she would say that we did have that discussion, but being a teenager, it probably went into one ear and out the other. I have to say that I was never been "mistreated" by the guys that I dated.  I have never been in a abusive relationship and learned very quickly to get what I could from them, because that was taught by the older girls in the neighborhood. Their examples stood out to me at the time and I took heed. I grew up fast and gained a lot of street knowledge from people that I shouldn't have even been associating with at that age.
     Let's fast forward to my 20's when I "really" began to have relationships and the guys that I choose were not always the best for me.  I may have dated them because of what they could do for me, what their status was, etc.  Again the music that I listened to influenced the way that I thought about men and relationships and that's where I took my examples from.  If you asked any of my friends, they would tell you that I don't take mess from any guy.  If you asked any of the guys that I dated during my 20's, they would probably say that I acted like the guy in the relationship.  Not meaning that I took care of them, but I pretty much ran everything. If things weren't what I thought they should be, I probably wouldn't leave based on what you were doing for me, but I most def would see if the grass was greener on the other side.
     Now that I am in my 30's, I still have a lot of preconceived notions about what the man in my life should be like and my older sisters are always tell me that I am "not going to find Jesus" AKA 'the perfect man." My laundry list is pretty long and I have tried to 'compromise" on some things but I still find it hard to know how to "be" in a relationship, now that I am at an age where I really want to be in one. 
    Growing up the way that I did and dating the guys that I dated could really be a book in and of itself of what not to do.  Sometimes you don't realize how something affects you until you are faced with certain situations and it is then that you may realize that you have absolutely no idea what to do because you don't have an example to draw from. Thus, you make all sorts of mistakes in an effort to do what you "think" is the right thing to do or by mimicking what you have learned from television and music.  At times, you may make it through those situations unscathed and other times, you may carry the baggage from those mistakes with you for a very long time.
     Being raised by a single mother, my example was to be a strong woman that took care of her children on her own by whatever means necessary.  My mother taught me to always handle business, so that I didn't have to depend on anyone else.  To make sure that you kept a roof over your head, utilities on and food on the table.  There were never men coming in and out of our house.  My mother didn't run the streets and party and she was home every night. I can imagine that there were times that my mother may have been lonely and may have wanted to talk to someone other than us kids, but she never voiced it.
     As a single mother now myself, I have followed the example of my mother in a lot of ways.  I am very independent and have never had to depend on a man for anything. My son is very well taken care of and I am pretty much a homebody. I don't bring men in and out of my house for several reasons:
1.  I respect myself and my son
2.  I don't want to set that kind of example for my son
3. I don't want my son to become attached to someone that I may not like for long.
     Like my mother, I don't hold my tongue and in relationships, that tongue has often been the straw that broke the camel's back.  I have often said things in moments of anger to hurt the other person and once those words were spoken, the relationship was basically at the point of no return.
     I am not afraid to be by myself. Sometimes, that can be a good thing and a bad thing because in a relationship, I don't want to be smothered.  I need my space and because I think like that my friends believe that I will never get married.  Something to think about, huh?
     Today, as a 38 year old woman, who has never been married, I have to wonder if the fact that I didn't have an example of what a relationship or a marriage should look like has affected my decisions in relationships and men.  I have to believe in some ways that it has.  It has affected me in that I have learned to be so independent that I find it hard to be able to depend on anyone else.  I think that it has also affected me because I have this belief that if things go wrong in a relationship, you can always walk out. I find it very hard to be able to discuss things when I am upset and often times say things that I really don't mean in the heat of the moment.  The concept of "talking things out" is a bit foreign to me but I am working on that.  I wonder if I had examples of what to do in a relationship when things got tough besides throwing up my hands and walking away or if I had learned to not use my tongue as a weapon in the heat of an argument, would my life be different today?  But are those things that are learned from actually "seeing" the dynamics of a relationship or are those personality traits that I just never developed?  I wonder....