Hell No! You Can't "Come See Me!"

    What is up with men wanting to "see you," meaning, "I want to come over?"  Whatever happened to, "Can I take you out?"  I mean really?  Why should I let you come over to my house?  Here's the deal, I can see if we were dating or if you were my man or something but if you: 1.  Have never taken me out several times and 2. Not my man, there is no reason for you to come "see me".
     Men kill me now a days, wanting to "see me"  No, your ass can not come over here and wear out my damn couch, relax under my central air, watch the cable that I pay for and eat my food and drink my drink.  HELL NO!! Then, most men don't even have the decency to ask, "Can I bring you something," if you do allow them to come over.  Where they do that at?
     They say, "You live and you learn" and one thing that I have learned is that I CAN NOT DO BULLSHIT! Call it what you want, but I will be damned if a man who claims to be interested in me thinks he can just sit up at my house and not contribute to anything.  It costs to sit up over here, Partner.  Trust me on that one!
     Since I am on the topic of shit that pisses me off about men, don't call me and the first thing out of your mouth is, "What's up?"  "The rent and these bills, Fool.  That's what's up.  How much you got on it?" Let's see how long the conversation lasts after that.
     I know those of you who don't know me are probably thinking that I am crazy or have lost my damn mind; while my friends know that this is me being me.  I am sure that I will receive plenty of calls from male friends who will read this post and want to talk shit.  Let me stop those of you BEFORE you make that phone call, take me out of character and have your feeling hurt...It's like this. Even if you are not my man, but trying to become my man, you need to step up to the plate.  I have someone to take care of, I will not take care of you.  Meaning, if you have not contributed to groceries or bought any; no I can not cook for you, give you a drink, a snack or anything else.  PERIOD!  I am doing this over here by myself.  I will not be sharing with you, if you have not "shared" with me.  You have to come to table, ready to play and I don't play with kids.
     So, if this post offended anyone...you already know what I am going to say about that...  As my mother would say, "I'm just stacking it straight!" 
    

Mercy, Mercy Me! (Help! The Preacher is Trying To Holla)

     I have a friend who is a preacher.  We used to date about 15 years ago when he was just a PK (Preacher's Kid). Today, he is divorced and has taken over his father's church.  We talk every now and then and his conversation is usually about getting married and having babies.  Ummm...PUMP YOUR BREAKS, PREACHER MAN! Now don't get me wrong, he is a very nice man, educated, handsome, has a good job, all that good stuff BUT he is a PREACHER!

     I know some of you, who follow my blog, have read about my "list" of the things I want in a mate.  Yes, he meets most of them BUT he is a preacher! There is nothing wrong with being a preacher, but how do you "date" a preacher?  It's bad enough that he makes comments about sex, etc and I always respond, "You will NOT lead me to hell," when in reality I am more worried about me being a temptress and leading him to hell.  (Don't judge me!  I'm being honest here!)
     By now, you all know that I am not a Saint and I try to do the right thing, however, the question still remains, "How does one DATE a preacher?"  Do you allow him to kiss you good night and if you do, does he kiss you on the lips or the forehead?  I know that he is still a man, although he is a preacher but there are some things that you just can't say or do with a man of God.  For instance, sex, you can't do that with a preacher!!  I know some of you are laughing, while others may be shaking your heads, but I am serious!  You don't buy a car without test driving it first, right?  I have to know exactly what I am getting myself into.  Let's just say that we dated for a long period of time, got engaged and married without ever having sex and then the sex was wack?  Is that grounds for divorce?  To me it is! I don't want to go through the rest of my life having wack sex! I know some of you will argue that sex isn't everything.  Those people are probably the same ones that have never had good sex or have decided to settle for wack sex in exchange for other things in a marriage. I'm sorry but I don't think, excuse me...I KNOW that I could not do that!  Plus, could you see me as the church's First Lady?  We would end up without any members because of my mouth!  Sounds awful but I am being completely honest!!
     I recently heard from a friend who basically said, "You are single by choice because it's definitely not from lack of choices."  This is true and I know that I am very picky but I think that my fear of dating a preacher is that I am not completely "right" with the Lord and I don't want my bad habits to rub off on him.  I don't want to tempt or corrupt a man of god, therefore, I have chosen to ignore the preacher's flirting and decided that we should just remain friends.  That way, my conscience is clear and I don't go to hell for being the snake that tempts the preacher to just take a bite of my apple.
    
     
    

I Can't do BULLSHIT!!!

     WARNING!  You have entered the "NO BULLSHIT ZONE!"  I have a REAL problem with bullshit and those people who try to make me believe their bullshit.  The problem is that I have very low tolerance for bullshit.  When confronted with bullshit, my mouth starts working before my brain can stop it and by the time it is all said and done, I have verbally assulted some poor soul and left them wondering, "What the hell just happened?"
     Do you think that I can qualify for one of those studies that they advertise on tv?  The commercial would probably say something like this, "Do people and their bullshit make you physically ill?  Does bullshit make you uneasy?  Does bullshit make you say things that would make a grown man cry?  If this is you, call us right away. You shouldn't have to deal with bullshit." Sounds appealing, right?
     The definition of bullshit is, "to indicate a falsehood —a false proposition. Hence something which is "bullshit" is said to be false or intentionally deceptive.  "Bullshit" does not necessarily have to be a complete fabrication; with only basic knowledge about a topic, bullshit is often used to make the audience believe that one knows far more about the topic by feigning total certainty or making probable predictions. It may also merely be "filler" or nonsense that, by virtue of its style or wording, gives the impression that it actually means something."
     Now that you have a clear understanding of what "bullshit" means, let me explain why it upsets me so much.  When people "bullshit" me, I immediately get pissed off.  What makes it even worse, is when they think that you are buying their bullshit!  Basically, I CAN'T STAND a liar!!  I always say, "You don't have to lie to kick it" meaning that you don't have to lie to be with or around me.  Be honest!  I mean really, if you were to tell me the truth and I didn't like what your truth was and decided to leave you alone, would you die?  Hell No!!  I may not like what you said but I would respect that fact that you were honest enough to tell me the truth, as opposed to trying to feed me some bullshit.
     One of the main sources of bullshit that I am forced to deal with, comes from the men that I meet.  As I have stated before on past blogs, I must have some invisible writing on my forehead that only losers and for the point of this discussion, bullshit ass men can see?  What they don't know is that I can smell bullshit a mile away.  When it hits me in my face, I usually respond with language that would make Richard Pryor blush and if it was against the law to cut someone up with my tongue, I would be in prison for life.  I have to admit, my mouth is no joke!!  So please, please, please...keep it REAL!  You are in the "No Bullshit Zone."
     

Therapy or No Therapy? That Is The Question

     Yesterday my little sister received her Masters Degree in Clinical Psychology.  I am estatic about her accomplishment and so proud of her.  Although she has 2 years of schooling left to be called a Doctor, I am tempted to start referring some of my friends to her as patients.  I know several people who can benefit from some professional therapy sessions.
     Would it be rude if I say, "Hey, you know my sister just got her degree in Clinical Psychology and I know that your ass is crazy ass hell. Would you like for me to make an appointment for you?"  After the laughter has ceased, I am sure that my friends would say something like, "Shit, have you made an appointment for your damn self?"
     Oh hell, they would be right!  Who am I fooling?  I most likely, should be her first patient.  In case you haven't figured it out yet...I have a few issues.  Yes me, Little Ms. Perfect.  Can you believe it?  LOL!

     They say the first step is to admit that you have a problem, right? I can admit that!  I can also say that I am well aware of what most of those issues are but the problem is, what do I do about the issues and how do I work through them?  Somethings are just plain hereditary though, i.e., lack of patience.  Can that be an issue or is the issue that I have no patience for bullshit and absolutely zero tolerance for stupidity?  Hmmm...maybe I should make an appointment right away.  I think I need some HELP!!

Made Him Catch The Holy Ghost

     The following message was waiting for me on the dating website.  It made me laugh so hard, I almost needed to run and get my inhaler.  I am not going to correct the spelling.  This is what he wrote:

Subject: Sexxy as hell Dam girl you fine

6:05 PM on 6/20/2012

Hello,sexxy you are. i am all excited about you. where have you been hiding thank the lord
god is good. he has bless me with eye sight so i could see you amen. ayanyway. my name is lee whats yours. i live in rancho cucamonga ca i would love to talk to if that is possible. i am
very interested in you. may I leave you my number. I am at work but can call if you wish. 

      What is a girl to do? If he was going for funny, he aced that but something tells me that he is oh, so serious.  I am not sure if I should even reply with a message or find someone to revive him with smelling salts or something.  This is going from bad to worse.  This one bit the dust before he even got out the gate.  SMH!

The Older Man, His Health Issues & Transitional Housing

     45 is not that old.  Hell, I'm 38 and in pretty good health, so I "thought" why not give this 45 year old man a chance.  He's tall, handsome and all that good stuff, so when he contacted me on the dating website, I thought, "Why not?"  Let the bullshit begin...
     Our initial conversation was cool, nothing to write home about.  Now, the second one, (rolls my eyes), now that one, reveled a couple of things.  First of all, most of the conversation was monopolized with him talking about his health issues.  How he used to have a slipped disc and ALL the treatments that he had to correct it, including the settlement that he received from it.  And oh, before I forget this, he needed that settlement to pay back child support!!!
     Then, he proceeded to tell me about his high blood pressure, his knee that has been bothering him, etc. etc.  FOR REAL!!!  Are you seriously gonna run down your medical history and have this whole conversation by yourself?  Yes, BY HIMSELF, because what can I really interject here besides, "Oh Really and UM MM HM MM."
     Continuing the conversation, I asked where he lived and do you know what that fool told me?  "TRANSITIONAL HOUSING."  WHAT THE FUCK??   "EXCUSE ME?  WHAT DID YOU SAY?"  He repeated what he said and my thoughts were immediately running to, "EX CON."  Isn't that where they send people when they get out of jail or something? 
     I could not get off the phone fast enough.  I had to quickly say, "You know what?  I don't think this is going to work."  Of course, he asked, "Why?"  "Let me run it down to you," I said.  "First of all, you have too much going on, health wise and all hell...just too much going on.  You are 45 and breaking down.  Your knees, your back, your high blood pressure. What the hell am I going to do with all THAT!  Our whole conversation was about YOU and tell me where you live again?"  "Transitional housing," he murmured. "My point exactly!  Deuces!" 
     I guess that invisible sign on my head, that can only be seen by idiots and losers can even be seen on a picture through the computer.  I have had countless facials, used different facial cleansers and exfoliates and I STILL have been unable to get that invisible sign off my head. Oh well, another one bites the dust and my journey continues....
    

Happy Father's Day

      Today is Father's Day and I was surprised that I didn't have any post about "deadbeat dads" and women wishing other women a Happy Father's Day on my Facebook feed.  I am sure many of you know what I am talking about. You may have been party to it or have witnessed it before but you know what I'm talking about.
     I think that as Single Moms some of us get so upset or are so jaded by what has happened with our children's fathers that every opportunity that we get, we say something bad about them.  This should never be the case.  No matter what the situation is between you and your children's father is, don't talk bad about them in front of the child.  It's not a good look.  As your child grows up, they will be able to form their own opinions about him and your negative comments should not be in the mix.
     Remember ladies, we are our children's first example and sometimes only example inside the home. Let's ensure that we do it right and raise children that do not harbor hate and hostility towards their fathers based on your opinions of him.
     To all the men who read my blog who are fathers ....Happy Fathers Day and be blessed.
    

Update to "Father's Day Dilemma"

     Today was the big "Father's Day Celebration" at TJ' s school and everything went off without a hitch. His Assistant Principal stepped in and they did a "Lowe's Build & Grow " craft together (see picture below). TJ said things went great and that he had a good time.  The following is an email that his teacher sent me this afternoon.
     "This mornings Father's Day event went great. TJ was very excited to have the Assistant Principal be his helper...there were 5 other students that did not have fathers attend also.  TJ wrote a very thoughtful thank you card instead of a Father's Day card...I was very proud of him"
      The point of me sharing my Father's Day Dilemma is that as Single Moms, we have to ensure that are children never feel less than or excluded.  I am not sure the reasons of the other 5 children in his class that didn't have a male figure with them today.  It may have been a situation similar to mine or perhaps the father's couldn't take off of work.  My main focus was to make sure that TJ felt comfortable and included and if that meant speaking up and asking his teacher for help or an alternative, than so be it.  At the end of the day, it's not about me but about my son.  Even though his dad decided not to be a father, it is my job to make sure that my son never feels abandoned or left out and that' s exactly what I intend to do.

The REAL Reason(s) Why I Am Single

     Let's get right down to the nitty gritty and address the question that I am always asked by men.  "Why are you single?"  "As beautiful as you are, I can't believe that you don't have a man."  "You would make a good wife, how come you aren't married?"  To this I usually respond, "Because I haven't found the right one yet," but honestly, that's the short answer.  I have to give the short answer because frankly, the long answer would take too much time for such a simple question and I don't want to scare off the men who are asking this question with the REAL answer.
    Generally after asking your name, the next question is, "Are you single?"  At that time, I respond yes, and I have always generally responded, yes (see my previous post for an explanation of this.) and then as always, the next question is, "Why?"  Since you are reading this blog, I assume that you have a little time on your hands, so relax while I break it down for you. 
     The reasons why I'm single is because of several things.  The first reason is because I haven't found the "right one" and let my sisters tell it, I won't find anyone like Jesus.  They think that I am looking for the "perfect" man and in some ways this may be true.  I mean, Jesus is the bomb. Think about it. He is honest, giving, trustworthy, loves people, loves God, empathetic, courageous, a good listener, a provider and the list goes on and on.  Who wouldn't want a man like that?  Seriously, I am not looking for a "perfect man" but he does have some criteria to meet but I will save my list to the end.
     The second reason that I am single is because I like my independence.  I am comfortable with being by myself.  Truth be told, I like it.  I have never been the type of woman that likes to sit up under a guy.  I want him to go hang out with his friends.  Do your own thing.  Let me miss you.  Yes, there are times that I like to be "cupcaked up," but there are many more times that I want to be in one room and you in another.  No, I don't have to watch the game with you.  No, I don't want to be around you 24/7.  I need my space.  Now, maybe I feel this way because I am not in love with anyone or I haven't met anyone that I WANT to be around like that but I am almost positive that when I do, I will still need my own space.
     The third reason that I am single is because I have a low tolerance for bullshit.  I don't have time for games and drama.  I have been there and done that.  I don't believe in the whole, "3 strikes," give a fool a chance to keep fucking up.   Look, you only get one time!  My philosophy is that at 38 years old, I don't have time to waste.  If I let you fuck up 3 times, that is time that I wasted.  Why would I do that?  Life is too short and my tolerance is even shorter.  Patience is one thing that I don't have and I don't have time to wait for a man that doesn't have his shit together. Point blank. Period!! Enough said on reason 3.
     The fourth reason that I am single is plainly put, Guys from LA are, for the most part, full of shit.  LA is a big place. Now, ladies, I am sure that men from places other than LA are full of shit, as well, however, my point of reference is LA.  There are many men (not all) that think they can have a women in LA, another in Cerritos and another in Northridge and they will never find out about each other.  WRONG!  LA may be big and all, but men are stupid.  They don't know how to cheat, thus they get caught....OFTEN!!!  Take it from a "reformed" Playa. I know!! They can't remember their lies, they don't remember to turn the ringer off at night, etc. etc.  Now, I am not the type of woman that goes looking for stuff.  I don't check phones and don't answer them either.  It's not that serious.  Whatever is done in the dark will come out in the light, so if you are doing something wrong, I WILL find out eventually. 
     The fifth reason that I am single is...I AM TOO DAMN PICKY!! I am not sure if that is necessarily a bad thing or not.  I know what I like and there are some things that I won't compromise on.  This is where my "list" comes into play. All the things that I said Jesus was earlier are on my list, plus the following:  Must be at least 6'1 but preferably 6'5 or 6'6, employed, a gentleman, be able to hold a decent conversation, be versed in current events, have a good relationship with his mother, have a sense of humor, love kids, be good with money, know how to conduct himself in any social setting, be supportive, have his own opinion, have his own place without any roommates, like to travel, confident, ambitious, loyal, affectionate, and fashionable.
     I don't think that is too much to ask for.  I think that my list is very realistic, however, trying to find a man with everything on my list has proven to be extremely hard.  Therefore, I have stopped trying to find him myself and let God send him to me.  Hopefully, God and I see eye to eye on my list and he will be everything that I asked for and more.  Until then, I will continue to work on me and the issues that I have, so that when God sends him, I will be able to receive him.  Until then, I guess I will continue to be The Sexy Single Mommy in all of my glory!!! 
    

The Confession of a (Reformed) Female Player

     I WAS A PLAYER.  There!  I said it!  I have never said it before and have adamantly denied it for years.  I mean, who confesses to that?  Not me.  At least not out loud, anyway!    Before you get crazy and start having all kinds of thoughts, let me explain MY definition of a player. 
      This is my analogy...I have always made sure that like a basketball coach, I always had a team on the bench.  When my franchise player fouled out, I had someone who was ready to be put in the game.  Now, I know some of you who follow me are thinking, didn't she write a blog about being by yourself?  Yes, I did but these are totally different subjects.  Right now, I am talking about my "Pre-TJ Years," so rest assured, I am not contradicting myself but back to my definition.
     So, when you recruit for a team, you recruit people who are good at different things.  You know, some are good at hitting 3 point shots, some are good at defense, etc. I had some who were good about paying my bills, some who were good at buying things, some who I could talk to about any and everything, some who were a 'trophy, etc.  Now, if one started tripping or did something that I deemed as worthy of being "fouled out" than there was always someone else there to take their place.  When you have "fouled out" there is no get back, so their best bet was to act like a Free agent and get a contract with another team.  I replaced them with someone from the bench.  
      Now, for the record, not everyone who is on the team, gets to play in the game.  Some of the players ride the bench for a long time before they ever get to play and some never got to play at all.  They were traded before the season was even up or violated team rules, so they broke contract.
     I know all of this sounds crazy but I vowed to keep it 100 on here and if I'm lying, I'm flying and I ain't took off yet!
     I have often been told that I have a "man's mentality," thus, trying to run game and get over on me just wasn't happening.  The saying is true, "game recognize game" and I can smell bullshit a mile away.  
     I have always had the gift of gab, some would say a "mouthpiece" and it has worked to my advantage on many occasions but something happened to that mouthpiece and my boldness once I had my son.  Now, I'm not trying to be funny because I am oh, so serious about this but I lost my "game."  I mean, LOST IT!  I don't know if it was ejected when I was pushing my son out or what, but when I say it has left the building...I am not lying!!!
     Now a days, I am very much a homebody.  I have slowed down a lot.  Back then I used to party and run the streets.  That's what you do in your 20's, according to me.  I always believed that you should get all of that out of your system BEFORE you have kids.  Mothers should not be in the clubs every night when they have children at home. Point Blank.  Period!!
     To say that my son has brought me to a screeching halt would be an understatement. My day to day is all about him.  I don't really have very much time for anything and anyone else, thus part of why I am single.  It's really a trip when I look at myself, then and now.  Then it was about how I could come up.  Now, it's about making sure that my son has the best possible life.  I have never claimed to be a Saint.  Hell, none of us are and we all have a past. They say you live and you learn and Lord knows that I have learned a lot and change can be good! 
 
 

The "Do Not Act A Fool In This Store" Conversation

     I have always resisted the urge to slap the hell out of and some sense into those mothers who are sweetly trying to coax their child with candy and the likes when their Brat of a Child is on the floor in the middle of a store throwing a tantrum.  "SERIOUSLY LADY?" is what my brain is screaming. "Get some balls and act like the parent," I mumble under my breath as I walk by.
     As I attempt to enjoy some much needed retail therapy, my shopping is interrupted by a child hollering and screaming at the top of their lungs.  I act like I am browsing through a rack of dresses, curious as to how this current episode of "Help My Child is Acting a Damn Fool in Public," in the middle of  Nordstrom is going to end.  Who will win?  I silently put my money on the kid, while locking eyes with another mother also "pretending" to shop and agreeing with one another, "That kid needs their ass whopped," all without saying a word.  If you didn't know already, moms have a secret language that we can speak to one another without even opening our mouths.
     "Susie, please get off the floor.  Come on honey.  Look, here is a piece of candy." The Brat's Mom is pleading and Little Susie ain't having it.  Little Susie just starts screaming louder, kicking her legs and swinging her arms in the air.  "Oh no," I say to myself, as I watched her mother try to pick her up, without grabbing her arms first and got sucker punched in the face by Little Susie.  "DAMN," I hear someone say over my shoulder and look behind me to see a group of teenage girls watching the Baby Mike Tyson vs. Inexperienced Mom knockout that just happened.  'My mom would have beat my ass," one of the girls says to her friend.  "High Five to your mom," I say to myself.  Little Susie's mom was an amateur at this and that child was going to take her for one hell of a ride, if she didn't get things straight REAL QUICK!
     This is where I enter into the scene, not literally but in my mind.  I step in front of the child vs mom fiasco with my microphone and alert shoppers that if they do not take heed; they to, may be the next mother in a store, looking pitiful and embarrassed because they never had the "Do not act a fool in this store" conversation.  You see, this is a conversation that most mothers, especially new mothers or mothers who themselves were, "Bratty Kids," don't know about because their own mothers never had this conversation with them. 
    The conversation goes like this, before you either leave home or exit the car when going to a store or any public place, you look your kid, dead in their eyes with a no nonsense look on your face and you say, "When we walk in here, you are to stay right next to me (if they can walk), you don't touch anything or ask for anything.  You will not run around or act a fool in this store because if you do, I will act a fool with you and trust me when I say, YOU DON'T WANT ME TO ACT A FOOL!  Do you understand me?"  You have to make sure that you check for full understanding.  Even a toddler will know when you are serious.
     Now most children will test you and many of them will try to throw a tantrum at least once in their lives.  Hopefully, when they try it, you will be at home where you can get their little butts straight real quick.  If it happens in public, you must quickly nip it in the bud.  You need to snatch their little butts up and take them to the nearest bathroom real quick to set things straight.
     Every child will not go this route.  The child who doesn't will be the child that fears their parent.  Your child needs to fear you, in that they believe that you are crazy.  When a kid thinks you are crazy, they won't dare to act a fool.  Most African American children fear their parents because many of them DO have crazy mothers.  I know, I did!  By no means, did you want to act up somewhere and have your momma act a fool with you!
     Now back to Nordstrom...in my mind, I have explained having the "Do not act a fool in this store," conversation to a large audience of mothers with kids in strollers, by the hand, etc and had a couple of grandmothers yell out, "PREACH" during my speech.  I thank them all for listening and walk back over to the dresses that I was "pretending" to browse earlier.
     Little Susie, is still yelling and her mother has a complete look of helplines on her face, when an older African American woman walks over to Susie and her mother and says, "Do you mind?" while gesturing towards Little Susie.  The mother says, "If you can get her to behave..." and her words drag off in frustration.  Now I move a little closer and I notice that the woman that I had made eye contact with earlier is easing her way closer, as well.  I guess that we are both nosy as hell and really curious to see how this ends.
     The African American woman kneels down really close to Little Susie, looks her right in the eyes and says through clenched teeth, "Get your butt up right now and act like you have some sense in this store!"  Little Susie looked over at her mother, who gave her a "I don't know what is going on" look and she looked back at the crazy lady and seemed a bit puzzled.  She opened her mouth to start yelling again when the woman said louder this time; but still through clenched teeth, "Get you butt up, RIGHT NOW!"  Little Susie jumped up like her butt was engulfed in flames and ran behind her mother, grabbing her hand.  "Thank you! Thank you so much," Little Susie's mother grabbed the woman's hand and began shaking it like she had just met her favorite celebrity.  "You are welcome but next time, if there is a next time, you need to act just like I did and I bet you won't have that problem again."  Little Susie's mother kept thanking the woman, as she walked away and a cheer rang out from the juniors dept.  As I turned around, every customer in the proximity of Little Susie was paying attention, even the employees.  Little Susie's mother, holding Susie's hand walked out the store with her head down but all the wiser on how to handle a tantrum!
    

My Son...the Reader

     I have always been a reader.  I can not remember a time that I didn't love books and magazines.  When I was little, my grandmother always subscribed to magazines like Vogue, Elle, Harper's Bazaar, Ebony and Jet.  I spent countless hours flipping through those magazines as a child.  My grandmother got a kick out of me sitting in her living room reading the Los Angeles Times newspaper when I was about 9 years old.  When I was totally engrossed in a book and it was time for bed, I would stay up and read by the light in the hallway, ruining my eyesight but worth it all to see what happened to Laura Ingalls on that prairie. 
     When I was pregnant with my son, I prayed that he would enjoy reading as much as I did.  I started reading to him when he was in my belly.  When he was born, I read to him all the time.  I made sure that his bookshelves were filled with books and whenever I found books that I thought he would like, even if they were for older children, I would buy them.
     My mother is an educator and she always talked about the importance of reading, especially to African American males. The following is an excerpt from the article Are schools failing black boys? by Celeste Fremon & Stephaine Renfrow Hamilton:

"A 1990 study of more than 105,000 students in Maryland’s Prince George’s County, where African Americans made up about 65 percent of the enrollment, showed that black male pupils performed comparably to boys and girls of all races on first- and second-grade standardized math and reading test. But by fourth grade, African American boys experienced a sharp decline in their scores. More recent national studies have shown similar findings: In 1994, fourth-grade reading scores of African American boys lagged behind those of all other groups at the same grade level, according to the National Center for Education Statistics." 

     Knowing this has made me want to ensure that my son began reading at an early age.  I tried doing the sight word flash cards at 4 and TJ wasn't interested in the least, but I made sure that I continued to read to him all the time.  By the time he went to kindergarten, he picked up his sight words quickly and he became a reader but he wasn't as enthusiastic about it as I had hoped he would be.  I soon discovered that it was WHAT he read that made him want to read.  Instead of me going to the bookstore alone to find books for him, we began to go together so that he could pick out books that he wanted to read.  This made all the difference in the world.

     Now that he is 9 years old, we often have fights in the bookstore about the books that he wants to read.  I have no problem with him reading "The Diary of a Wimpy Kid" or "Big Nate" series but we argue about the "Pokemon" and "The Legend of Zelda" Manga books that he loves to read.  At the end of the trip, I have usually gave into one Manga book, IF he get one chapter book.  At the end of the day, what really matters is that he is reading and I couldn't be happier about that! 

    

Dirty Little Boys

     Why is it that little boys enjoy being dirty?  My son will stay in the tub for an hour, playing with every action figure that he can get in there.  He will announce that he is getting out and when I ask if he washed up, he responds, "I already let the water out."  REALLY???  Of course, my response is, "BOY, put some more water in that tub and WASH your body!"
     It is amazing to me that boys could care less about personal hygiene.  They don't care how they look, what they wear and how they smell.  I have never understood why they get this look of utter amazement when you tell them that they smell like puppies and rush them into the tub.  One thing that I know for sure is that I will be glad when the day comes that I don't have to remind my son, to take a shower and put on deodorant!

Dr. Wack Job, the Delivery, the Drama & My Gift

    This past Monday, we celebrated TJ's 9th birthday.  It is amazing how fast times flies.  It seemed like yesterday, I was seeing my obstetrician and a high risk doctor and beyond ready to deliver my baby.  You see, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and can I just tell you that is the worse thing to have when you are pregnant.  Of course, there are worse things that can happen when you are pregnant but my point is that when you are pregnant, you want to eat whatever you want.  When you have gestational diabetes, you have to watch everything that you eat and on top of that I had to take insulin, as well.
    
 The Whack Job Doctor
    
     When I was about 2 weeks to my delivery date, my dumb ass high risk doctor gets the bright idea to want to do an amniocentesis to make sure that my son's heart was developed.  HUH?  2 weeks before I am due?  Really?  So, they give me these forms to fill out and all I see is "may cause death."  "This doctor must be crazy!  Who in the hell does an amniocentesis so late in a pregnancy," was all that I kept thinking.  I walk over to the desk and tell the receptionist that there is no way in HELL that I am signing these papers or having an amniocentesis at 36 weeks!!  "And oh, by the way," I said as I was walking out, "You can cancel my appointment for next week because it will be a cold day in hell before I let that whack job of a doctor touch me again!"
     I walked away thinking that even if my son's heart wasn't developed, here we are 2 weeks before he is supposed to come.  If I went into labor, there is not much that we can do to keep him in at 36 weeks, I turned it over to God and kept on moving.
     The next week I went to see my obstetrician and I informed him about what the high risk doctor wanted to do.  He thought that I was joking.  I quickly let him know that this was not a joke and that I was not going to see Dr. Whack Job again and further more, I was tired of being pregnant and I was ready to have this baby.  Now here's the problem. Memorial Day was coming and I was very adamant about not having my baby on or around Memorial Day. He wanted me to come in on Memorial Day.  There was no way that I was going to do that!  How would anyone be able to come to his parties because most people will be celebrating  with their families.  That would be an awful time to have a birthday, so, it was decided that if he did not come before, I would be induced a week after Memorial Day and that's how it all went down.

     THE DELIVERY 

     If you have been reading my blog, then you will know that I have been a Single Mom from day one.  When I went into the hospital to be induced, my brother went with me.  My doctor told me that the process would be a long one, so I figured, I didn't need a lot of people around me all day and my brother kept me company until my mom came later.
     Now, if you have never be induced, let me tell you that you are hungry as hell!  You can not eat after midnight the day before and all day while I was waiting for something to happen, I could only eat ice and jello. That was the worse!
     My brother and I are sitting around talking all day and every now and then our conversation would be interrupted by a woman screaming in labor.  "Damn!  Would these heifers shut the hell up!!"  Truth be told, it wasn't the noise of these women screaming in agony that was bothering me, it was the fear that those screams invoked in me that was bothering me.  I was silently praying every time that I heard those screams that I would not be that woman when it was my turn to give birth.
     So the day when on and nothing happened.  By 8 o'clock, my mother and brother had changed shifts and my mom was sitting in the corner with her Bible and my copy of "What to Expect When Your Expecting" reading through the chapter about labor.  My doctor finally comes in and checks me and tells me that I had barely dilated and he broke my water.  He said that they would start Pitocin to start my contractions and if I was not ready by the time he came back in the morning, they would have to do a C-Section.  "A C-Section?  You want me to have contractions ALL night and then do a C-Section?  You have got to be out of your damn mind!!"  My doctor said that he was leaving for the evening and the nurse went about the task of starting my IV with the Pitocin.
     About 30 minutes went by and my mom is reading what the next step is supposed to be in this labor process and all of a sudden I feel like someone took a Louisville Slugger Baseball Bat, wound it up and hit me in the stomach.  In an instant, I became that woman that I was complaining about all day but instead of a scream, I let out a, "OH SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!"  My mom immediately told me to watch my mouth and my response was, "FUCK THAT SHIT!  THIS SHIT HURTS!!"  I guess at that point, all gloves were off because all I can remember is a slew of curse words spewing out of my mouth.
     By now I guess it's about 10 o'clock or so and I'm trying my best to deal with the pain.  After what seemed like forever but was actually about 45 minutes or so, I asked the nurse could I get any drugs.  Her response was that I had to be dilated at least 2 inches and I couldn't be that far along yet.  I asked her could she at least check but she was so insistent that I couldn't be dilated 2 yet that I screamed,  "Can you just fucking look?"  My mom gives me one of those looks, but today is not the day to be nice and polite.  Not when my stomach felt like someone was trying to rip out my guts.  I guess the nurse got the picture and checked me.  "Oh my goodness, you are at 2," she said from down there.  I wanted to take my foot and put it on her forehead and push her away!  "I know dumb ass," is what I was thinking but was relieved to know that she was gonna get me some drugs.
     Now by this time, I am absolutely starving and I am so over these contractions.  The nurse added whatever drug for pain to my IV but no sooner had she done that, I shouted, "I HAVE TO PUSH!!" Now my mom is quickly turning the pages in the book and shouts, "You aren't supposed to be at that stage yet.  You skipped something!"  I am looking at her like, "If you don't put that damn book down!"  The know-it-all-nurse is saying, "You can't have to push, you were just at 2!"  I am screaming that I need to push NOW!!  The nurse checks me and she looks up with this surprised look on her face and says that I am ready but I need to wait for the doctor.  I yell, "FUCK THAT DOCTOR!  SOMEBODY IN HERE KNOWS HOW TO DELIVER A BABYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!"
My mom is packing up her stuff like she is going somewhere and the nurse asks her where she is going.  "To the delivery room,"  my mom responds and the nurse says to her, "We ARE in the delivery room." 
     Within seconds, it was like the changing of a scene in a play.  Nurses rushed in, the bed did some type of conversion, spotlights pointed down there were put in place and my doctor, who we thought was gone for the evening came rushing in.  I don't remember hearing him say, "Push!" All I know is that I pushed two times and my son was born!
     Now some mothers want their slimy new baby to be put on their chest and all that nasty shit...NOT ME!  They held him up so that I could see him and then they went about the business of cleaning him up before they put him in my arms.  Thank you Jesus!  I am glad that I didn't have that awkward conversation of them washing him off first.
     Now TJ was finally here.  Everyone is happy and I am so sure that my nurse was probably the happiest that I had the baby. I wonder if she knew that she would be verbally assaulted when she became a pediatric nurse?  I made sure that I apologized to her for my potty mouth and she responded that she had heard worse!  Whew, I can only imagine what that must have been like because I thought that I was pretty bad. 
     By now it is after midnight and I had not had any real food for 24 hours.  Once I got settled into my room, my nurse came in with the best cheeseburger and fries that I had ever had in my life.  I am not sure where she got it from at that time of night, but she was my best friend at that point.
      
     My Gift

     That night, I don't think that I got much sleep thanks to Mr. TJ!  I thought that they kept the babies in the nursery.  When I asked about that, the nurse told me that the babies are kept in the rooms with their mothers.  DAMN!  So much for getting a little rest!  That night I remember staring at my son and wondering what his life would be like?  What OUR life would be like? What was his personality going to be like?  What kind of person would he be?  What his voice would sound like when he started talking, etc. etc?
     Fast forward nine years and I amazed every day by this little boy.  He is so talented and intelligent. He believes in God and has so many questions about him and the Bible that I think that one day he may become a preacher.  He makes friends EVERYWHERE we go where there are kids.  His opening line is, "Hi, my name is TJ.  Do you want to be friends?"  How can you not love a kid like that?
      He keeps me laughing and the way that his mind works astonishes me.  One day we were passing a cemetery and he asks, "When you are buried, do you have clothes on?"  I responded , "Yes, they put ladies in a nice dress or men in a nice suit."  He said, "Then how can you rest in peace if you aren't wearing pajamas?"  I was laughing so hard that I was crying.  "You know that is a very good question.  I don't know how you can rest in peace without comfy pajamas on."
      It is times like this that I know that I am blessed to be the mother of such an amazing kid and although I had gestational diabetes, a whack job doctor and I have had to take this journey of parenthood all alone, I wouldn't change a thing because at the end, I got the best prize of all...TJ!

The Imaginary Kids That Lived In My House Growing Up!

     I am constantly reminded by my mother about the shit that we (my siblings and I) didn't do as a kid when the family is altogether.  Take for instance, our last family torture trip....excuse me, vacation, Memorial Day weekend to visit my brother in Vegas.  Now, let me start with this disclaimer, I LOVE MY MOTHER but DAMN, she can take me there like no other!
     So the kids are playing around with my brother, who they haven't seen since Christmas and TJ says something, (I don't even remember what he said. I am sure that I wasn't paying attention.) to his uncle and the next thing I heard was, "You guys NEVER would say something like that to your uncle!"  I look up and my brother and sister have looks on their faces, like, "What the hell is she talking about?"  I just shake my head and ignore it because it is usually better for me not to say anything or all hell will break out.  Next thing I know, she is going all in about what we didn't do as kids:  we didn't talk back to adults, we didn't leave our toys all over the place, we didn't question what we ate, we didn't, we didn't, we didn't..."  Now, I am not sure whose house these perfect kids lived in that never did any of those things but it sure as hell wasn't mine!
     Our parents lived in a time that "children were seen and not heard."  My child lives in a time where "he is seen and most definitely HEARD."  TJ makes so much noise that when I am on the phone, people think that there are 10 kids in my house.  That is just the way that he has always been.  Maybe it's an only child thing and they like to make it "sound" like they have a lot of siblings.  I am not sure but the child does make A LOT of noise.
     Now, I said all that to say this, I don't know about my siblings, but I don't want to hear about these imaginary kids that lived in my house growing up, that no one saw but my mother.  I don't want to hear that they ate everything on their plates, no matter what it was because they didn't buy the food and they ate what she bought...ALL THE TIME!  Which reminds me of a time when my little brother didn't want to eat his peas and my mother told him that there were kids starving in Africa.  My brother responded, "Then lets send them to Africa!"  I guess the imaginary "good" kids were on vacation or something that day.
     I don't want to hear about all the things that we didn't do because my mother had put the fear of God in us and would "knock us into the middle of next week" if we didn't do what she said.  Now let me state for the record, that I have been knocked into the middle of next week on several occasions and it was like Alice in Wonderland, trying to find my way back to the week that I had got knocked out of.  I wish those imaginary kids had been around to take my place on those days!!
     Simply put, I don't want to hear it!  My thing is this, my child is MY CHILD!  Let me raise him the way I want to raise him.  He is not disrespectful or an unruly child.  Does he have a sense of humor? Yes! Will he say things sometimes trying to be silly?  Yes, all kids do!  Does that warrant a whole speech about the imaginary kids?  NO!!!  I don't want to EVER hear about those damn perfect imaginary kids again!!!!
    

Single Motherhood? I GOT THIS!

     "Mom!!  Mom!! Can I go out side? "  "Mom!!  Mom!!  Can we go to the park?"  "Mom!! Mom!!  Can you play the Wii with me?"  "Mom!! Mom!! Can I get a dog?"  "MOM!  MOM! MOM!"  Oh my God!  Can I change my name already?  It is times like these that I wish that TJ's dad was around just so that I can get a break.  Sometimes, as easy as I make it seem and although I "look" like I have it altogether, I don't.  I know some of you, especially my friends are probably going to be surprised by that statement, but damn, I am not as perfect as I seem!
     They say that being a mother is the hardest job in the world but I beg to differ.  Being a SINGLE MOTHER is the hardest job in the world.  Now there is a difference.  There are some single moms who have the support of their children's father and there are some that don't.  I would fall into the the last category. Now, before you start feeling all sad for me and shit...DON'T!! This post is not about that.  Hell, I don't feel sorry for me.  I never have.  There is nothing to feel sorry about.  I have been fortunate enough to be able to financially care for my son myself, even when it involved $700 + a month in childcare expenses alone.  Thank the Lord for Dependent Care Flexible Spending!  I have never had utilities cut off or no food in the fridge.  My son has never went without what he needed,  He has always had more shoes than most girls, a closet full of clothes and everything that a child could want.  (I did speak about overcompensating in another blog).  I have, as a single mother, provided everything that a two parent household would provide for a child on my own. 
     Most women who become single mothers don't set out to be a single mom.  No one goes into motherhood thinking that they will be doing this by themselves.  Wait, let me correct myself.  There are single women who decide to go to sperm banks, etc. and have children.  Those women, of course, know that they are going to be doing it by themselves.  I, on the other hand, always said as a teen, that I was going to go to a sperm bank to have a kid, because I didn't want to have to deal with a guy and that child would be a boy.  Man, they weren't lying when they said that you can speak things into existence and who knew that some 15 or so years later, that is exactly what happened....minus the sperm bank! 
     I think that I have always known that I would be a single mom.  I have always known and accepted it.  When I got pregnant with TJ, I knew that I was going to do this by myself.  I knew from day one how the situation would play out and I was fine with that.  There weren't any hard feelings or nights that I cried myself to sleep.  None of that!  It was what it was and being that I always knew that I would have a son and raise him by myself, that's exactly what I have done. 
     A friend of mine told me when I was pregnant, "You are so strong.  I wouldn't be able to do this by myself."  My response was, "What else can I be but strong?"  I have never been a 'crier" or a "woe is me" type of woman.  I don't really let things trip me up.  I take the punches and roll with them.  Single motherhood was a punch that I had anticipated most of my life, so I braced myself for the punch and made sure that it wasn't a TKO and at the end of the fight, I was still standing and proudly holding my Single Mother Heavyweight Belt high above my head!  And although I am not as perfect as I seem, I think...No, I KNOW, that I have been doing a pretty damn good job raising my son by myself and at the end of the day, that's all that really matters to me!
    

It's Okay, Girl! Be By Yourself!

     I have never understood women who do not know how to be alone.  You know the type of woman that I am speaking of.  They jump from relationship to relationship without very much time in between,  all because they "don't want to be alone" or "need a man in their lives."  All the time, never getting to know "themselves" and often times make the same mistakes with the same type of men over and over again.
     I especially don't understand this of women who are single mothers.  I often find myself wondering what type of mindset does this woman have that would bring several men around her children?  Does she not understand the type of example that that she is showing to her children, especially her daughters or is their mindset that they deserve to be happy and it doesn't really matter what her children or anyone else thinks?  I can understand a woman's desire to be happy but at whose expense?  Her children's or her own? 
     I personally don't think that it is acceptable to parade men in and out of your house as a woman, PERIOD, single or not.  It just isn't a good look.  As a mother, you are your children's first teacher, their example of what a woman should be.  What a LADY should be. By bringing random men in and out of their lives, you are not only confusing them, showing them a poor example but you could potentially be putting your child at risk for a predator.
     So then, the question arises, "How long should I wait before I bring someone that I am interested in around my children?"  Personally, I think this should take a couple of months.  You should be sure that this person is someone that you are really interested in before introducing them to your children.  Every man that you date, should not meet you children.  Every man that you date, shouldn't even be picking you up from your house (but that's a blog for another day).  I think that single mothers need to use a lot of discretion when dating.  After all, it's not just about you anymore.  You are now responsible for someone else's well being.
      Women who have a man living with them, who do not contribute to the household, who don't work, who don't help with the kids and who run the streets while she goes to work and pays all the bill...GIVE ME A BREAK!  Really?  That concept has always baffled me.  Is the sex that good that it has made you an idiot?  Again, what kind of example are you setting for your sons and daughters?  If that man is helping with the kids, but not contributing to the household...NOT ACCEPTABLE!  A man needs to work, PERIOD! How do you live with a man, with your children and this is the example that you are showing? Spare me!!  You can do bad all by yourself!  That's a fact!
     Now let me take a moment to discuss this issue as it relates to mothers of daughters.  Daughters grow up to be mothers one day and the examples that you show them now are instilled in them.  When you parade different men in front of your daughters, they believe that it is okay to date several men and have several men coming in and out of their home around their children.  You are also teaching them that they need to have a man around, that it is not a good thing to be by yourself.  They are learning that their worth is based on having a man in their lives. Is that the type of example you want to set for your daughters?
     As a mother of a son, I don't want my son to see men coming in and out of my house because I don't want him to believe that this is what women do.  Again, I am the example for my son of what a woman should be.  I also don't bring people that I date around my son unless I am serious about them, or think that it may be serious because I don't want my son to become attached to someone who may not be around long. 
     I strongly believe that you need to learn how to be by yourself before you can be with anyone else.  You need to know YOU!  You need to be able to hold down your household without the help of anyone else, so that you don't depend on a man to do it or feel like you have to stay with someone that you don't want to be with because you can not support yourself or your children alone.  Never put yourself in that situation.  Remember that the examples that you show you children now will last a lifetime and rather your children ever voice it or not, those examples are how they will live their lives as adults.
     Wake up!!  It's okay to be by yourself until you get to know you and find the person that God intended you to be with.  Don't just settle because you don't want to be alone.  Being alone and being an excellent example to your children is much better than showing your children a bad example and having them repeat that cycle as adults.  THINK ABOUT IT!